Are we all a load of lazy, lardy, lockdown losers?

ARE we are getting lazier – has lockdown made us worse? Maybe we are – it’s taken me an hour to write this much!

Never mind all this cobblers about being busier and demanding more convenience – it’s arguable that what’s really happening is people are just getting hippy lazy!

To be fair, that might not be a bad thing. One eminent historian reckoned humankind’s most crucial advances were borne out of the elemental desire to have an easier life and do less.

This especially seems to be the case among those who belong to the margins of our society.

Take the recent example of a pair of scallies in the North West, who robbed a pizza delivery lad.

Bad enough, all decent folk would agree, yet these two no-marks robbed the poor lad after placing a home delivery order. They mugged him at their own front door!

Apart from creating a criminal case that even Inspector Clouseau or the Keystone cops could solve in ten minutes, these lazy, fruit-dodging, pasty-faced gyets couldn’t even be hassled to leave their own hoose to commit a crime.

The utter, unbelievable sloth of these lardy losers was further underlined when it became clear that one of the chav criminal masterminds had recently hooked up with a new girlfriend who was already pregnant when they met.

How fundamentally lazy can one human being be? For fajitas sake, back in the day, villains got off their jacksies to go to work!

I remember watching The Sweeney and Starsky and Hutch on telly, where no lag could be seen to have been properly arrested without a half-hour chase along back alleys, up fire escapes and along rooftops!

Both the cops and the baddies were at high levels of fitness more akin to Olympians or members of the special forces.

I can’t recall one episode where Carter, Reagan, Bodie or Doyle apprehended some lardy dollop in a tracksuit after only 20 yards, whereupon the perp turned purple, threw up in a bin and had to be revived with some tabs, a bottle of white lightning and a kebab (salad removed, obviously).

Indeed, today’s wrong-uns would need a Red Bull and an inhaler just to recover from the effort expended to phone a taxi to take him robbing in the Toon. Even then, there are numerous reported cases of these idle wassocks then going shoplifting from pound shops!

Even as a criminal, how lacking in drive and ambition must you be if this is the extent of your aspirations?

In reality, it’s probably not even worth the cops or security chasing them, which again is probably appealing to these lazy zeroes.

There used to be a stigma to being lazy, now lazy is a regularly-used prefix: lazy parenting , lazy management, lazy government and most recently, lazy Premier League decision making.

Just by venturing out, we all see examples of this modern disease; the ignorant, lazy nowt who has parked right outside a shop and blocked the whole street, just to avoid walking 20 yards for his tabs or, if in Jesmond, his hummus and Evian.

This proves this hippiness isn’t confined to our underclass, as many posh folk will take no emotional interest in their offspring, merely throwing money at the poor child until it grows into the sort of braying, unaware toff that begs for a place in Boris’s cabinet.

Lazy folk are usually easy to spot. They’ll blame others – “a’hm late coz o’the Metro and wor lass never gorriz up and me fatha neva bought me a Scalextric .... ”

Similarly, the acts of cheating, lying and stealing are all the paths of least effort – that’s why we have a generation of ‘baby men’ who are too lazy to control their emotions, take responsibility for their actions or consider the needs of others!

Finally, lazy people are essentially selfish – like Eisenhower said of the French, “they’re always there when they need you!” l Mike is performing at the the South Causey Hotel on Friday August 21.