This is as dire as it gets
WHEN I was a manager I used to give each of my players a run down on his opponent. Strengths and weaknesses. What to expect.
I would like to do the same with Newcastle United, taking the last team they sent out, the one they sent out to defend Geordie honour and try to reach the semi-finals of the League Cup.
If I was a manager preparing to face United, this would be my summing up.
KARL DARLOW: Really good season. Comes for crosses though defenders are far too deep on top of him. A shot-stopper but obviously extremely glum given what is in front of him.
DeANDRE YEDLIN: Can’t defend if a player runs at him. Quick but doesn’t use his pace cleverly. Allows players to easily get beyond him and then has a rush of blood which is how he was sent off last season.
JAMAL LEWIS: Can’t defend and doesn’t get forward. Doesn’t know how to jockey an opponent.
ISAAC HAYDEN: Played out of position as a central defender but doesn’t do badly there. No star attraction, rather he is solid. Lacks a bit of pace and can be overwhelmed.
CIARAN CLARK: Good defensive qualities but no pace. The solid member of the back four but always concerned at what is going on to his left and right.
JACOB MURPHY: Would love to get forward but daren’t because he has to cover Yedlin.
JONJO SHELVEY: The most moody player in football. Ambles around the pitch looking for the occasional Hollywood pass. Will cut you out of the game if he wants to. Imagine him playing in Leeds’ midfield!
SEAN LONGSTAFF: Has been ruined by Shelvey who will bully him. Doesn’t know where to go or what to do to be right. Ability has evaporated.
The season has effectively been killed off with the failure to win any of the last three. Progress? Don’t make me laugh
RYAN FRASER: Looks as though he could threaten but never gets round to it. Quick but rarely uses his pace. Appears to be a good crosser but I don’t know about that. I haven’t seen enough. Doesn’t do it enough.
MIGUEL ALMIRON: Absolutely a 100% headless chicken. Very quick but doesn’t know where he is running or why. If you opened the gates, he would run out of the ground.
CALLUM WILSON: Excellent one-touch finisher who gets absolutely no service and therefore is easy to isolate.
SUBS USED: JOELINTON: Won’t shoot, can’t score. Doesn’t know his position, lacks strength, confidence, and will.
DWIGHT GAYLE: Very good finisher but like Wilson can be cut out of the game because he gets no support.
ANDY CARROLL: Left his good years well behind him. Physical presence but it means United revert to hitting long aimless balls up to him.
Manager STEVE BRUCE: Lacks tactics, a plan and the ability to build confidence in his players who are scratching their heads as to what he is trying to do just as the fans are.
It’s a pretty grim picture, isn’t it? The season has effectively been killed off with the failure to beat Leeds, Fulham and Brentford in their last three matches. All we have to look forward to is a long slog against relegation. Yet again.
Progress? Don’t make me laugh. This is as dire as it can get and Bruce must know it. Mindless tub-thumping is pointless.
Newcastle are about to face the best two teams in the country, Manchester City followed by champions Liverpool.
What does that mean? Damage limitation, dusting themselves down and staggering on to the next insipid performance.
It’s an awful, awful mess. Merry Christmas!