‘Experience Required’

based on my previous work experience:

Tread Carefully. My first postuniversity job was in the record industry. Had gained previous marketing experience flogging ties and costume jewellery in College corridors when the Dean wasn’t around. Office work that was part of the record business role was compensated by meeting the stars. Chats with Helen Shapiro, Paul Simon, The Beverley Sisters and many others. I grew overconfident. Tried dancing with Connie Francis - and trod on her foot. Women. What our returning to work ladies wanted was up-dating on office technology. What the Civil Servants in charge of funding wanted was ‘gender equality’, so the course must include engineering, or money wouldn’t be granted. I got some engineering students to lug an obsolete, inoperative lathe into the room designated for the new course. Three car-loads of officials arrived, sagely examined the machine and announced: ‘Glad you’ve seen sense. Course approved.’ As committees are the life blood of modern Anglicanism, is there more to add?

If the Customer is Happy... Have just retired after many years of secondhand bookselling. As a novice I asked an experienced dealer what he did if a book didn’t sell. ‘Double the price,’ was his immediate response. I was reminded of this by the November Synod. Years of opposition to female bishops collapsed when the traditionalists agreed that the offer of guidance procedures was an acceptable replacement for the Acts of Synod that had safeguarded them. I think that they’re being over-optimistic, but if folk are happy with the price, it’s a deal.

Remember ‘If You’re Irish’ St Patrick’s Day this month reminds me to apply a rule suggested by my record industry days. With early 60s Beatlemania it seemed wise to go large on their records. Yet in 1962 Glen Daly topped the Irish charts with ‘Hail Glorious St Patrick’.

So, as Ombudsman, if I’m arbitrating in a parish with an Irish vicar, he’ll be the winner, not the bishop.