Alan Edwards

‘One man in his time plays many parts’. Shakespeare was right. However, I’ve never yet found a part that matches my star quality. Of course, I’m not alone in knowing how brilliant I am.

The evidence? I often can’t open the front door, the hallway being piled high with letters from my many fans urging that I take an extended holiday as a reward for my talent. They recommend exotic destinations. Most popular, Devil’s Island. Probably they think there are too many tourists for my comfort in the Canary Islands. They also suggest South Georgia. Haven’t had time to look it up in the atlas, but sounds wonderfully tropical.

However, back to a part to suit me. At last it’s turned up. What is it? Brucie’s replacement in ‘Strictly’? Far too young, me being a mere 77. With my artistic genius (don’t miss my latest exhibition at Tate Modest) David Beckham’s tattooist?

By now many of you will have guessed the role that’s tailor-made for me. It’s the job of Ombudsman (surely Ombudsperson nowadays) who’s going to arbitrate if disputes arise with traditionalist parishes under the new guidance rules that could come into force after the arrival of female bishops.

Two assumptions, of course. Assuming that the job, as currently planned, is actually established and that I get it. No worries on the second count. I’ve given Peter Mullen a free run to become the next James Bond, so no competition there.

If the Anglican establishment sees sense and appoints me, my rules for successful arbitration,

Be Satisfied with Modest Achievement. My earliest job was as a road labourer. One of the gang, ‘Old Silver’, announced one tea break that he’d got a ‘wonderful little old TV set for a few bob down the market. Beautiful mahogany.’ ‘What’s the picture like Silver?,’ the gang chorused. ‘Oh, no picture, but looks a treat.’

The more People on a Committee the Less Sense. When I was managing a technical college we decided to introduce a WOW course - Wider Opportunities for