Stuffit!turkeytakesa back seat this Christmas

Where’s the beef? On Fiona’s kitchen table this year, to be exact, as she does her bit to save a bird this festive season...

W e are all ready for Christmas. For once, I am organised. The food is bought. The tree is up…

And this year it will be beef. Because I cannot cope with Scotland’s favourite Christmas dinner.

I can buy the juiciest, best bird in the world. I can butter and baste. I can oil and grease.

Cook in the bag, slow-cook, bacon-fatcovered cook, over-stuffed with fatty meats. I have tried it all. But never seem to get it right.

The truth is my turkey is always dry. So this time one poor bird will be saved – and, who knows, others be spared the dinner plate.

This week a neighbour comes in – she of the naughty Teddy. You may remember, he is the young dog who chases anything that moves.

Teddy is making our own Macnaughties seem like angels. And now the errant Airedale terrier has well and truly excelled himself.

This week he has eaten a whole strawberry cheesecake. It would have served 12 and Linda is updating me on the state of his bowels.

She has also come to tell me there is a gamekeeper up the valley who has dozens of turkeys he is trying to shift before the festive season ends.

I thank her for the information. And tell her that normally I would have paid the man a visit.

Even at this late hour. Because there is nothing like a home-reared bird. Nothing like buying local.

But this year, I explain, we are not having fowl. This time we are opting for beef.

She looks indignant. “Not to eat!” No, her thought is that we should offer to take some of these unfortunate bubblyjocks and give them a home.

You see, Linda is a poultry lover. She keeps hens. Actually, more than that. She breeds cute little chickens. Fuzzy white, black and golden Polish Bantams.

She dotes on her brood – and is an expert on hatching eggs – and it appears she is now turning her attention to weightier fowl.

Linda is not alone in wanting to spare a chook or two. Every Thanksgiving, the American president has traditionally pardoned a turkey, allowing it to spend the rest of its days scratting about on a farm. This year, the present incumbent in the White House gave the chance of life to a big bird called Drumstick.

Drummers is no match for our Scottish turkeys. Some years ago a specimen from Inverurie weighed in at a monster 67lbs. It apparently fed more than a hundred people.

But imagine trying to keep an oversized turkey moist? How does that work?!

My simple joint of beef is about 5lbs. Which should be ample for six of us. The chief and me, daughter and boyfriend, nana and granddad.

Yes, this year should be easy-peasy in the kitchen. Except that my parents announce that they do not want their meat rare – and we do…

Hey ho – whatever you are eating tomorrow – keep a sense of humour and have a good day.