What’s in a name, Apple?

How long can it take to decide on a name?

Well, of course, it couldn’t be George, could it, as with a wilful lack of foresight and no consideration at all given to forward planning, the Cambridges had already, somewhat cavalierly, called their first-born George. Never even taking into account that they might find themselves rushing off to reproduce barely fourand-a-bit years down the line in a random fashion, taking no cogniscance of the looming presence of the day set aside for the celebration of England’s patron saint. And of course, we can’t all be Michael Jackson and call all our male children the same thing, necessitating nicknames such as Blanket for everyday use. Although the royal family does have previous on the use of George I, George II, etc. There’s a pattern emerging here.

But then, what’s in a name? People are changing everything from their shape to their gender these days so a visit to the Deed Poll section of th’interweb is hardly a major statement any more. Mind you, it does make you wonder if your given monicker has an effect on what you do in later life, which obviously isn’t the case with Prince George, whose career path is pretty well – barring revolution, devolution, regime change or creeping republicanism – set in stone. Though his younger siblings have a bit more leeway in their employment mission, should they choose to accept it.

Even Blanket and George2 seem relatively sane, however, when you realise that the latest fad in the naming of brats (a serious matter, with apologies to T S Eliot’s Practical Cats) is to call them after some kind of foodstuff. Of course, this is not new. Celebrities have led the way in this contemporary form of child abuse – think of Apple, a la Gwyneth Paltrow. One can only be grateful (again, with royal connections in mind) that her middle name is not Charlotte. Drew Barrymore of ET fame and our own beloved David Tennant have offspring (thankfully both female) called Olive and I believe one of Sylvester Stallone’s offspring was named Sage.

The Geldof/yates approach yielded Peaches, of course, and Jamie Oliver has opted for Honey and Rocket. What’s to stop the inexorable march towards Granola, Nutella and Carbonara? They even sound like Kardashians, don’t they?

And then there’s the ones that have sneaked under the radar. Bing, apparently, is a kind of cherry while Barack is a Hungarian brandy made from apricots. Who knew? Not Mr and Mrs Obama senior, I suspect. Somehow it works better when the food is named after the person, like Margherita (the pizza named in tribute of Queen Margherita of Savoy who, I’m sure, was grateful to go down in history linked to a popular fast food and not a cabbage). I have no idea about the similarly-named cocktail but it’s so good it can call itself anything it damned well likes as far as I’m concerned.

Tradition is on the side of Cherry, Rosemary, Clementine, Madeleine, Suzette and even Brandy and Sherry. Coco Chanel? A nickname, of course, but one that stuck and has since been annexed by stars in search of chic from Sting to Friends’ Courtney Cox.

Would a modern young man want to be Basil or just plain old Herb? It could catch on again. Saffron is not uncommon, though if one follows the example of Abfab, ending up with Saffi for short is not something one would wish to inflict on the young ladies of Dundee. “Saffi, is it?” “Oh eh, it’s jist terrible!”

Wine’s credibility has never quite recovered from the Footballers’ Wives character called Chardonnay Lane. I always thought it counted strongly in the much-maligned Victoria Beckham’s favour when she made the endearing admission in a TV documentary that her chums used to call her Beaujolais. And it says a lot for her that, in spite of her more outre choices for her male offspring, she didn’t choose Lambrini or Rioja or Absinthe for her only daughter.

Being named after the much-lauded author of one of the great classics of world literature is, by anyone’s standards, a better start in life for young Harper, even if her middle name is Seven. Which, coincidentally, will probably be the regnal number of the aforementioned Prince George. I feel a match made in some form of heaven coming on…

Picture: PA. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have yet to reveal the name of their third child.