I definitely won’t be pining for this early taste of Christmas

Thanks to a recent birthday, (see last week’s rantings) I have become aware that there is a level of quite unnecessary enthusiasm among retailers to sully alcohol by mixing it with chocolate, coffee and other random foodstuffs.

I have written at Easter time before about my feelings against spoiling chocolate with other flavours. I realise that I am alone in this regard, as I can’t even sanction chocolate orange and I know that marks me out as unnatural.

However, as the recipient of a number of gin and prosecco-related pressies this year, (no, I don’t know why!) I feel it’s time to halt this madness. Thank you, obvs, but let’s get a grip here. I have just done a quick trawl through the Christmas gifts section of some major food retailers and I’m frankly appalled.

I like gin and champagne but I don’t necessarily need a gin advent calendar or prosecco and raspberry truffles, thanks all the same. Why has this now become a thing? It’s like retailers saying well, I like kittens and I like shoes – let’s see if we can make some shoes covered in kitten fur. With kitten heels, natch.

As for Iceland’s range of Christmas crisps, launched recently to a fanfare of dry-boaking … haud me back. I realise this is probably a record for me, using the C word this early in the season, but some things stray so far from all that is decent that they can’t go unmentioned.

Christmas tree flavoured crisps. Hand-cooked (oh, that’s okay then). With a picture of some pine branches and cones on the packet. Featuring pine salt flavour seasoning. What in the name of all that is festive are we supposed to think? Why oh why would anyone even wonder whether this would be a good thing? Presumably as they were squeezing some pine-scented toilet cleaner down the pan.

Don’t worry, Santa. When you come down my chimney there will be a proper mince pie with no pine flavours added, a carrot unroasted in cinnamon-flecked honey olive oil (for Rudolph) and a glass of whisky with no frankincense-infused mixer. You’re welcome.