I wish we could be forced to face problems as a group

There is a great deal to unpack in the news report headlined “Rats taught to drive tiny cars to lower their stress levels”. I read it, re-read it, blinked, rubbed my eyes and made another cup of tea. When I returned, it was still there. It made sense… eventually. Researchers at an American university taught 17 rats how to drive cars, because apparently being a rat trapped in a laboratory wasn’t a sufficiently miserable existence.

No, they weren’t provided with BMWS and a crash course in how to behave accordingly (hint – start by looking up the word “sociopath”).

University of Richmond boffins equipped the rats with tiny, transparent cars that ran on electricity and were controlled by a rudimentary steering system, with pieces of cereal as a reward for moving it around.

They became less stressed as a result, according to analysis of the hormones in their poo. This may help researchers develop treatments for psychiatric conditions such as schizophrenia or depression.

See what I mean? Try reading it again. Have some tea. We’ll wait.

Every morning, I commute by car. My fellow drivers often resemble rats in that they would obviously be prepared to devour their own young.

Precious little of the experience of being tailgated, honked at, and subjected to hand signals that are not in the Highway Code could be expected to reduce my stress levels, although admittedly I haven’t had anyone cut up my stools and test their hormone content. You’ll just need to take my word for it.

Why do we do this to ourselves? I’m in the process of buying a car to replace one I wrapped around a Toyota recently and most of the features – such as safety bars, crumple zones, built-in cameras and fancy audio systems – seem designed to insulate me from the world, instead of helping me to face it.

I find myself wishing that, amid this permanently epochal climate crisis, we could be encouraged, or even forced, to travel together and face our problems as a group.

Perhaps one day we’ll vanish, leaving only the rats, happily driving around in their little plastic cars, the main source of their stress removed forever.

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Being a rat trapped in a laboratory wasn’t a sufficiently miserable existence