The Courier & Advertiser (Angus and Dundee)
Reasons to be less cheerful
After recent talk of yelling at the telly, it is good to know that, here in Lockdown Loan, the pedants are still revolting by finding ever more finicky and affected things to get het up about while watching and listening to our daily diet of dire warnings. Don’t sweat the small stuff, they say; well, since we appear to be able to do beggar all about the big stuff at the moment, apart from keeping well out of its way, the small stuff is getting it in the neck. At least round our house it is.
Apart from shouting: “Fewer!” when some hapless pundit reckons that “less” people are dying of this infernal infection; or “The government is!”, every time some half-hearted henchman turns up at the lectern to explain what the government are (shudder) supposed to be doing, two particular phrases have earned the spleen of the sweet, old-fashioned things who are self-isolating in our house. Both of whom, for their sins, used to be newspaper sub-editors (before the days of spellcheck and auto-correct) and are thus pernickety in the extreme when they can recall what they learned in the era of the green eye-shade and the quill pen.
The problem arises with (in no particular order) the use of the expressions: “For free.” and “Stay home”. Now, while having nothing against the principles behind these otherwise helpful and supportive words in this time of trial, it’s doing nothing for the collective blood pressure when these occur so often that we are going hoarse barking at the TV screen: “It’s not For Free! It’s either Free or For Nothing!”. “We’re not Staying Home, you idiot. We are staying At Home!”
So now when we’re in touch with anyone on the phone or via video link or Zoom or whatever contemporary technology passes for a social life these days, we find ourselves not only discussing the ever-changing rota of the domestic bin collections, the potential availability of delivery slots and whether gin is an essential purchase (yes! Yes!! YES!!!), we’re also boring people (mainly the youngsters who feel it their duty to keep in touch with the lonely old goats not currently having much opportunity to spend their inheritance) with our wordy wisdom.
Me, I think we should look upon it as our small contribution to home schooling. And yes. We do, ironically, need to get out more. Eventually, that is. When getting out less or on fewer occasions, becomes the new normal. And obviously, while wearing our homemade mask. Never have all those much-cursed elastic bands left lying around our front doors by careless posties been so welcome, not to say, vital (watch Youtube. Maskmaking tutorials for the handless are available).…
I bet the government either is or are (probably) working on all of that although you wouldn’t hang by the neck waiting on the result. Keep Calm and Carry On is all very well, but for the suspicion that it lets people further up the food chain and the pay scale conveniently off the hook.
So in these days when individuals and those much patronised “ordinary people” are showing more extraordinary creativity, flexibility, invention and sheer smeddum than most politicos can summon up between them, I’m coming to the conclusion that I couldn’t care less. Or give fewer damns…
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Never have all those muchcursed elastic bands left lying around our front doors by careless posties been so welcome
I suppose we are all having to learn new things at the moment. I’ve certainly become more ept regarding this technology lark and many of my acquaintance are getting their heids round all sorts. Some have even turned their hand to cooking. Not me. I have someone to do that for me. He does not have to learn new cooking skills; he already has them, as my increasingly rotund figure might indicate to you. But he is trying some new recipes although he has stopped short of emulating Trump’s new incarnation as the Barry Scott of the medical world and refrained from attempting to work out, on the wine-pairing principle, which household fluid might match well with dishes like Toilet Duck a L’orange, Cillit Bangers ‘n’ Mash or Chocolate Ulta-violets. Demestica, perhaps? It is a real Greek wine, honest!
Me, I’m with those who reckon the president will be perfectly safe from ingesting any noisome substance because he won’t manage the childproof tops.
Any road up, Himself has also discovered some great truths along the way, particularly among the FAQS (Frequently Asked Questions to you and me). Mainly that a lot of people know very little about what they’re eating. The best so far, when attempting to replicate past Canadian culinary experiences included finding the questions: “What are chicken wings made of?” Swiftly followed by: “Where do chicken wings come from?” Ahem. Without going all Missouri/mississippi on you (the first American states to decide to sue China over Covid-19), it happened to be a Chinese chicken wings recipe.
Maybe, if the question wasn’t asked quite frequently enough that’s why someone found themselves making the big mistake of eating a bat…