STRANGE TIMES LED ME TO HOBBY I’M EXCELLENT AT

A whereverdulting. No. Not today, thank you. In fact, I am giving adulting a onestar rating it might be appropriate.

Is there a category on Trip Advisor for this? Am I going to be ridiculed like those eejits that review places like Ben Nevis and complain there’s no cafe at the top? One star. Just one star today, and I’m being kind.

Between work, home schooling, constantly feeding the walking, breathing human bins we created and trying to manage the business, I am done. Done. Done. Done. If you need me, you can find me in a heap on the couch under a big blanket binge-watching the latest Netflix series.

Even better, how about you just don’t need me and instead just wander past every now and then lobbing a packet of Hula Hoops in my direction? Deal? Huzzah!

Hula Hoops are a comfort food in this house. They remind me of my dad. He loved a Hula Hoop.

It had to be ready salted, none of your fancy modern flavours for Bob. He loved nothing more than a packet of an evening washed down with a wee whisky topped with water. I draw the line at whisky, but take on carrying on the Hula Hoop tradition.

Not quite the plot of a Disney film, I’m aware nobody is going to make a film featuring me sitting on the couch chomping these ring-shaped delights. I’m hardly flying the family standard, pulling a Mulan and marching off to war to maintain clan honours.

There are some things that are important to me, regardless of how small, that bring me cheer. I feel this is especially important during these strange times.

It feels like we wore out words like unprecedented, exceptional and unparalleled in 2020. The year that will be recorded in history as an unpredictable storm has tumbled into this new year, and here we are nearly in February already and I’m beginning to think if I draw a self-portrait just now there will be a wee rain cloud about my head like Eeyore.

Let’s turn to more comfort instead. In truth I haven’t been out of my pyjamas/ elastic-waist trousers in a long time. So clothing isn’t the issue. Food – shamefully I’ve got that covered, please see above re Hula Hoops.

Maybe I should focus on my hobbies? Switching between the same three apps on my phone for hours on end OR tutting at the kids for switching between the same three apps for hours on their phones. Maybe not.

Not speaking to anyone for days at a time – NEVER going to happen, but I can dream.

Listening to the same songs I’ve been listening to for more than 20 years – The kids absolutely love that one, especially when I crack out the musicals. Chitty Bang Bang, oh you pretty Chitty Chitty Bang Bang we love you... Pipe down mum, your “out loudness” is not appreciated by your genetically related, reluctant audience.

Hiking – Does walking when necessary count? Reading – Mostly social media posts due to lack of concentration and energy for now. Cooking – apparently I’m not allowed to stop feeding the dustbin offspring as they need food to live, so I continue to make it.

Running – not except for a short while back in 1996 while trying to impress a lad. It didn’t work.

Guitar – like everyone, we own a guitar, but this is as far as we got. Baking – a busman’s holiday but sounds better than I like carbs.

Films – I might be getting desperate now, but everyone has a “comfort film” right? The film that you turn to because it brings you joy or makes you sob. Just because mine happens to have Hugh Jackman in it shouldn’t be considered unusual, it’s all about the plot, honest.

Ranting – I am brilliant at ranting. It makes me feel better in every way, especially when it’s something extremely valid.

Take this week’s rant regarding supermarket selfservice checkouts. I hate them with a passion that probably should be saved for something more worthy, but honestly is there anything more soul destroying than hearing that voice telling you over and over to put your item in the bag area?

Favourite hobby found, and it’s one which I am excellent at.

MJ has been tackling home schooling.