The Courier & Advertiser (Fife Edition)
Some staggering statistics
It’s not often drink-related news passes me by – you might have noticed – so you can imagine how appalled I was to have missed the opening of a major new attraction in La Belle France. Although given the current political climate and level of frosty relationships between our two great nations, due to Brexit and the lack of Frenchmen in Christopher Nolan’s interpretation of Dunkirk, I can see why they might have decided to keep it under their stylish chapeaux.
A wine theme park, no less, opened in June, called La Cite du Vin in Bordeaux – fun being measured in carefully calibrated carafes rather than rollercoaster rides. Although, ultimately, you can see how they might lead to similar feelings of slight nausea.
A total of 20 wine-themed sections is offered, complete with history and culture and a slew of on-site restaurants whose menus include 800 bottles of wine on tap.
As a holiday destination, this would, of course, be my default choice, especially as I have also discovered that the Auld Alliance is seriously faltering when it comes to keeping up with Les Joneses on the consumption of alcohol front.
In spite of our reputation in certain parts for being a nation of deep-fried, drunken, subsidy junkies, surveys of 2016’s worldwide bevvying quotient show Scotland is not even in the top 10 of countries that drink the most alcohol. In the way that our national football team somehow always manages to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, our drinkers lag behind such seriously-soused populations as those of Belarus, Lithuania and the Czech Republic, with Russia, Portugal, France itself and Ireland bringing up (among other things), the creditable rear. And that’s only in Europe. We can also stand up (with a slight stagger from side to side, occasionally) to be counted in the lower leagues of the world levels of consumption, behind Australia and the less dry parts of Africa. We still rank above America, it must be said, but given the events in that great republic over recent months, I suspect we may soon see a wholesale lurch towards the bottle not witnessed since the glory days of Prohibition.
In a couple of these polls, Britain as a whole only comes in at 25th on the lush list, which only goes to prove the claim that Scotland is not pulling its considerable and allegedly obese weight when it comes to conspicuous consumption.
So for those of you falling by the wayside, either literally or metaphorically, I want you to know that I’m doing it so you don’t have to. All I can say is, I’m doing my very, very best…
Word games Now that Anthony Scaramucci has fandangoed his way out of the White House press corps and all is well again in Trumpton, I hear one of the reasons for his rocket-like departure from high office was the fact that Melania Trump and Ivanka Kushner objected to his language. This seemingly tended to contain multiple references to gentlemen’s naughty bits. How that’s so very different from boasting about grabbing women by their ladies’ naughty bits I don’t quite see but, then, it’s always a mistake to look for logic in a situation where none pertains, don’t you find?
And don’t let’s be silly about this. There can’t be any truth in the rumour about Melania and Ivanka expressing their dislike of such foul-mouthed utterances. That would mean that Donald Trump actually listened to something a woman said.
Immoral idiot At this time, when we have large problems to think about, analyse and decide upon, it can surely be no coincidence that many of those who seek to keep us happily sedated in front of the telly box of an evening (instead of out on the streets demanding that people who earn more than £26,500 per annum do their jobs properly to the benefit of all and not just themselves) subscribe to the ancient Roman dictum of keeping the masses quiet with bread and circuses. In the current era, this equates to providing wall-to-wall chlorinated chicken, inferior confectionery products and episodes of Big Brother, I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here and Love Island.
Now, however, a great pretender has come among us, offering even more lowest common denominator viewing. The US-based major shareholder in Arsenal Football Club, one Stanley Kroenke, has apparently decided that what we all need is a TV channel devoted to the depiction of blood sports, particularly referring to the killing by inadequate men with big guns of endangered species. I assume they will refrain from broadcasting the sublime moments when they miss and the elephant stamps on them or the lion decides it’s time for lunch.
For once, however, I see little to argue over here. Take this to its logical conclusion and what is not to like?
I, for one, would be only too delighted to pay a very large subscription to view images of this immoral idiot (I would say creature but that’s an insult to creatures) and his ilk being manically pursued by an outraged citizen wielding something resembling a finely-honed and heavily-weighted mell hammer.
Scotland is not even in the top 10 of countries that drink the most alcohol