I bottled chance to impress real-life national treasure

During a recent outing to that there Embra Fringe, I enjoyed the usual highlight of such a visit, which is spotting slebs – not on stage, but just going about their business as tourists.

A very poor tally this time, until me and Mr P ventured to a rather upmarket restaurant for lunch (we were treating ourselves, as a political show we had just seen was dire and we needed cheering up).

Imagine our consternation when a booming voice nearby indicated a luvvie of stage and screen at a table near ours. After checking it wasn’t a Fringe performer impersonating this famous actor, we prepared to do what any polite person does during festival season and pretend we hadn’t clocked him (although it was hard not to stare – the voice was obviously trained to PROJECT).

Unfortunately, our waiter then arrived with a bottle of rosé wine so humongous he needed both hands to hold it and had to brace it between his legs as he poured a glassful. For me. Yes, I had ordered a glass of rosé. Not a special comedy bottle of the stuff, just a glass.

However, when this massive bottle appeared, everyone sitting near us exclaimed out loud, following up with quips along the lines of: “I’ll have what she’s having”, while I tried to make a joke of it. Hence my attempt at being amusing in front of a national treasure, a famous wit and raconteur. I probably should have pretended it was part of a show as my feeble attempts were better than the act we paid to see.

The national treasure probably went off to do his festival show under the impression that all females in Scotland demand a bottle that big when they order a glass of wine. Isn’t that always the way when you’re face-to-face with a real-life sleb though? The possibilities for making an Oscar-winning fool of yourself are endless.

Just ask Bill Nighy, my absolute favourite actor. Stage door. Selfie. Inability to speak in sentences (me, not him). Sigh.