Ice Dancing Episode 38

“Carrie was at home with Alicia. We won. That was part of it. I can’t tell you what it feels like when you win and win

I think for a moment he was alarmed by his own honesty. Once he had started, he had found it hard to stop talking

well.”

Suddenly I felt more than 10 years older than Joe. I felt positively ancient.

He had the grace to look sheepish.

“I met her in the bar afterwards. I was kinda drunk and she was all over me, and me and Carrie, we’d had a big fight.

“Poor Alicia had a bug and she had been grizzling all night long, and there I was... it felt as if I was free for once and there was this sweet girl telling me how great I was.”

He had ground to a halt again. What was he looking for, I wondered. Reassurance? Forgiveness? How could I possibly forgive him? Because really, what did any of this have to do with me?

“And I just thought, what the hell? She was willing. Eager, even. And the next thing I knew, there we were in the …” He paused. “You know. In the john.”

“Oh Joe!”

He started to laugh and I joined in, but it didn’t sound very funny to me. It wasn’t funny at all.

I realised that he was just desperate to talk about it. Embarrassed and ashamed and desperate, all at the same time. He wanted to tell someone all about it. Make a confession.

But who could absolve him? Not me, that was for sure.

“What a fool I was! It was the disabled cubicle. There was plenty of room. And it was hot in there.

‘And there were people looking for me, trying to find me, calling my name, because the place was closing.

“The assistant coach found me. Found us. He was OK. He sent the girl home.

“I don’t know what he said to her, but I remember he got her coat and her bag. He was polite to her. I think she was just embarrassed.

“He sent her off home in a taxi and then he sobered me up with coffee and took me home as well, but the guys knew. They would have been talking about it. I mean we always knew who’d been doing it and who hadn’t.”

“So you made a habit of it?”

“No. No, Helen!” To my surprise, he caught hold of my hand.

“That was the point. It was kind of weird for me. Wrong for me. They knew that. I mean there were some of the guys who would have a different girl every game and sometimes more.”

I don’t know what I said then. Maybe I just sighed. Still holding my hand, he turned and looked directly at me. It was as though he had been talking into empty air for a while, as though he had forgotten I was there.

But now he focused on me, realising just how far he had confided in me. And perhaps my dismay and revulsion showed on my face, in spite of anything I could do to disguise it.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “Ah God, Helen. I know. It was not good. I was to blame.

“I mean, she came on to me, but I still felt I was to blame. It wasn’t the...” he paused, hunting for the right word.

“Jeez, my old man would have said it wasn’t the honourable thing to do. He died when I was 13 and I can still remember him saying that. You have to act with honour, to act like a man, Joey.”

“But why are you telling me all this, Joe?”

“I don’t know. Because I have to tell someone. And you’re …”

“I’m just here.” The thought depressed me.

He looked at me again and his eyes were faintly bloodshot where he had been rubbing them.

“No. Not just that,” he said. “Maybe it’s because I feel I can trust you.”

“So what happened then? Finish the story, Joe.”

“Oh the kid wouldn’t let me alone. She was crazy about me. I’d given her exactly what she wanted, and now she wanted more.

“She started sending letters, emailing the club, lying in wait for me. All kinds of stuff.

“The guys would laugh about it. They all knew. They had been there. Got the T-shirt.

“There’s a rule. You don’t talk outside the locker room. You say what you like in there, but you don’t talk outside.

“Only I figure one or two of them must have told their wives or girlfriends. And… and then…’

“Your wife found out.”

“Carrie found out. I told her it meant nothing. It was just a one-off. I had been drunk. Even then it might have been all right, but Carrie came to a game. Brought Alicia to watch her dad play. And the girl was there, waiting for me.

“I nearly had a heart attack when I saw her and I was off my game all night. The coach was annoyed with me.

“Then she got my home address from somebody and started writing to Carrie. Telling her what had happened and a few things that hadn’t happened. A few things she made up.

“She was only 18, 19. I was lucky she wasn’t younger.”

“Was it all worth it?”

“No, no way it was worth it. It was crazy and it meant nothing. And it finally destroyed what we had. It hurt Carrie too much.

“But I thought afterwards, it wasn’t the kid’s fault. It was mine. I deserved everything I got. There was no going back after that.”

He had trailed to a halt. I didn’t know what to say to him. I think for a moment he was alarmed by his own honesty. Once he had started, he had found it hard to stop talking.

“I don’t know that our marriage was all that strong anyway,” he said at last.

He let go of my hand and moved away from me, suddenly self conscious.

“I don’t think we were that committed. Not like some people. Not like you and Sandy for instance.”

“Me and Sandy?”

He had taken me by surprise.

“Well you are, aren’t you? You’re such a solid couple.”

Ice Dancing by Catherine Czerkawska, Dyrock Publishing, £9.99 and Kindle E-reader from £2.99. For more of her books, including The Posy Ring and A Proper Person To Be Detained, see saraband.net