Oh my word!

I’m sorry. I harp on about this a lot, and I know you’ll be tired of it by now. But I’m going to talk about apostrophes. Again.

I have a point to make. And, more importantly, an offer to make.

Let me tell you about my triggers for this latest spittle-flecked rant.

Firstly, I was waiting in traffic on the main road through Monifieth when I noticed a sign offering to clean driveways and patio’s. I was perplexed that driveways was (correctly) not given an apostrophe while patio’s was. Why would patios be different?

Then some well-meaning chap (caring not one whit for my blood pressure) emailed a photo of a car repair firm’s sign which promised to fix brake’s, cambelt’s, MOT failure’s, and faulty clutche’s. Clutche’s? Really? Apostrophe usage is not complicated, but it is important. A sign that looks like sloppy workmanship makes me think the firm it advertises is also sloppy. Which I admit is entirely unfair as it is the sign-writer at fault, not the worker.

But there are many who share my aversion. People like me notice that one café sells cake’s, while its neighbour sells cakes. It is obvious where we will choose to sip our coffee.

Dear reader, I am tired of all this.

Let us consider how the sorry situation of such widespread apostrophe ignorance came about. There is only one logical conclusion: people just haven’t been taught properly.

Therefore, instead of repeatedly howling my displeasure to the moon, I have resolved to do something about it.

I hereby offer to go into schools, universities, workplaces, or anywhere I am wanted. I can, I promise, cure pupils, students, employees, signwriters, the young, the old, the recalcitrant, and the bewildered. I will save them all from apostrophe misuse.

I have a formula. It is a simple lesson. It won’t take long, perhaps 10 minutes at most. I will do it, in person, for anyone anywhere in Courier Country who wants me. I would alternatively do it via Zoom, Microsoft Teams, FaceTime, or even by a phone call.

And I won’t charge a penny. I resolve to do this, I want to do this, because it needs to be done. I can’t stand seeing so much punctuation vandalism.

I can cure you. I can cure anyone. I can cure everyone of this sorry affliction.

I’ll do it with politeness and a smile. I’ll be grateful for the opportunity. And I certainly won’t criticise or attempt to belittle or ridicule anyone.

My email address is affixed at the top of this column. Get in touch if you need me.

STEVE FINAN IN DEFENCE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE