Lifestyles of the rich and famous... and us, too

Yet more proof has emerged that Mr P and myself share key lifestyle features with Posh and Becks. According to latest hold-the-frontpage news, the Beckhams have had the plans for a redesign to the garden of their £6.15 million Cotswolds home approved by the local council. The notable point about this, apparently, is that Mr Beckham is in charge of all garden matters. Exactly the same arrangement exists at Penman Towers, where Mr P is not trusted with any interior design matters and I am forbidden from touching anything outside that might be growing.

This suits us both as Mr P is woefully uninterested in matters of interior design, while I – as my regular reader is all too well aware – am not keen on nature or outdoors. Admittedly, some of the details may vary between our two gardens. The new Beckham garden will apparently contain a wild meadow, 18 types of trees, two courtyards and a chemical-free swimming pool. Our garden contains some grass, two small trees, a seating area and many plant pots, all carefully tended by Mr P, while I am quite happy to sit on a comfy outdoor chair, making helpful suggestions.

The main difference I can see between Mr P and Mr B (what? Mr P was very handy at five-a-sides in his day) is that Mr P gets his hands dirty when it comes to garden design, whereas the Beckhams are relying on someone who has won three gold medals at the RHS Chelsea Flower Show.

Any time I have attempted to grow anything, it has ended in disaster. My main function in the garden is placing cushions on the outdoor furniture and drinking. I imagine Posh probably has someone to do that for her. Especially the drinking, what with the empty calories.

The best thing about our garden is that, even though it is small and lacking in meadows and orchards, on a rare warm September night we can light lanterns and fairy lights, sit out there with friends until the wee small hours and feel like the luckiest people alive.

Any time I have attempted to grow anything, it has ended in disaster