I’m not bitter ... I just want some normal chocolate

When did chocolate get so fancy and precious? It has become almost impossible to source good old-fashioned low cocoa content milk chocolate of the kind we associate with giving toddlers in button form. I have to admit that my tastes have not evolved at the same rate as the confectionary industry and have stalled at the baby stage of chocolate appreciation. I do not appreciate “quality” bitter dark chocolate, unlike many friends who restrict themselves to one or two squares of “really good dark chocolate” a day.

I would much rather scarf down a couple of bars of cheap, dirty milk chocolate … mmmm. This character flaw is getting ever more tricky to hide, especially at Easter, when the array of flavours and combinations get frankly ludicrous.

As far as I am concerned, chocolate should not be sullied with fruit or other foodstuff. Even a chocolate orange is stretching my tolerance. As for chilli, salted caramel, prosecco (alcohol sullied by chocolate and vice versa – double whammy) – NO! ENOUGH!

The Easter Bunny may have been forgiven for thinking that I would be grateful to receive an egg combining two of my favourite things, gin and chocolate, but sorry, hop it. Not mixed up together in an egg. It goes against all sense of decency.

Champagne truffles? How dare you. What is this madness that has swept the nation? I expect we can lay some of the blame at our national obsession with anything artisan.

I mean, if you were someone who made chocolate, you could be forgiven for tinkering around in your artisan kitchen with some extra ingredients you found lying around. But who then goes on to buy and eat the stuff?

Not me. Nae class when it comes to the sweet stuff. I shall no doubt be resorting to my usual method of dealing with any posh chocolate that has appeared at Penman Towers over Easter – melt it down with crispy rice cereal, chill and serve with a cheap chocolate mini egg or button atop. Yum. Perfect toddler fare for those of us with an unsophisticated palate.

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Champagne truffles? What is this madness that has swept the nation?