The Courier & Advertiser (Perth and Perthshire Edition)
Mutiny on the High Street: It really can’t go on like this
The galleon looked resplendent as it sailed across the darkened waters, its hull adorned with flags of every country and its magnificent masts illuminated in a spectrum of colours.
The good ship Glaring Metaphor had been sailing for more than two years on a quest to find an idyllic place reputed to be one of Europe’s great small cities.
The captain looked out to the horizon. He knew it was a formidable adventure, one plagued with pitfalls and perils.
But he knew his crew, though somewhat fractured, were up to the job. More than 150,000 people back home were relying on them.
The cabin boy burst into the wheelhouse with unwelcome news.
“It’s two of the crewmen,” he announced. “They’ve been up to no good. We’ve had a lot of complaints.”
The captain was disappointed but not surprised. This pair had been causing him unrest for months and it was only a matter of time before things came to a head. “Aaarr,” sighed the captain. “Lock ’em up in the brig while I decide what to do with them.”
But what could he do? These were some serious complaints to be sure, but could he really afford to lose some of his best crewmen? Especially ones from his side of the galley, he thought, the allegory now slipping somewhat.
The captain decided he had no choice. “On Monday I shall make them walk the plank,” he announced.
The crew were stunned. Had the captain taken leave of his senses? Or was this, finally, a show of strength against two troublemakers?
The day came, and the two crewmen were led out on to the deck in chains, blinking into the sunlight.
“Not so fast,” said a voice. The captain turned and saw members of his crew with their cutlasses raised. They had banded together, even the ones who usually didn’t get on with each other.
His loyal crewmates were by his side, but the captain found himself for the first time outnumbered.
A mass of swashbuckling ensued and the sound of clanging metal echoed around the ship.
The captain fought well but the odds were stacked against him and the mutineers took control of the ship.
That night, in the solitude of his cabin, the captain heard the jubilant sound of the rebel crewmen through the walls.
Now it was rumoured that his first mate, who had stayed so loyal for more than two years, was about to abandon ship. Maybe he should too, he pondered.
Weary from battle, water now lapping round his ankles, the captain thought what many were now thinking: “It really can’t go on like this.”
Get in touch with your local office at Perth or send a letter to The Courier at letters@thecourier.co.uk