The ages and stages of coping with Christmas Day

One more sleep now. Allow me to present the ages and stages of Christmas for you, compiled after years of exhaustive research. Consider it my gift to you. 0-5 (or older if you’re lucky and your best friend’s big brother doesn’t give the game away): Wide-eyed wonder. From the twinkly lights to the shiny, crackly paper to the cardboard boxes which can be made into transport before the gift inside is even given a glance.

All magical.

5-10: No school. Yay! The slow realisation that Christmas can mean being given stuff. You’re even allowed to ask Santa for particular stuff. More wideeyed wonder. He’s eaten the mince pie and Rudolph’s teeth marks are still in the carrot! Also, plenty of opportunity to put on a dressing gown with a tea towel on your head and expect to be applauded. Win-win.

10-15: Oh no. Some home truths have punctured the magic. Also, it seems Christmas is supposed to be all about family. How embarrassing. Especially having to witness bad drunken behaviour by grownups and compulsory playing of traditional games. Pure cringe.

15-20: Desperate attempts to recreate bad drunken behaviour by the grown-ups. Much of this will be done under cover of grown-ups not noticing or caring, what with the previously explained bad behaviour. These are also the years of should I chuck him/her or wait and see what they’ve got me for Christmas? Tricky.

20-30: The growing realisation that you can create your own Christmas traditions. For many, this will involve doing exactly the opposite of what your parents did. You may be tempted to go a bit alternative or ironic in these years.

30-40: Back to doing what your parents did amidst a general acceptance that Christmas is all about nostalgia. Bring on the charades.

40-50: Letting someone else do it as there are only so many years you can feign merry and bright whilst covered in turkey fat.

50-?: I’ll let you know. Happy Christmas!

The years of should I chuck him/her or wait and see what they’ve got me for Christmas?