Bemueslied by breakfast when porridge is off table

After consuming one plate of oats too many, and afraid that cereal is a killer, Rab is left at a loss over what to have for the most important meal of the day

Experiments with breakfast part 149. Yep, I’ve been fooling around with the first meal of the day again. For years, I just had porridge. But not just porridge. Porridge with seeds, sultanas, honey, banana, berries, indeed anything that came to hand. Gunk at the back of the fridge? Get it in there.

One morning I woke up and just couldn’t face it. Do you ever get that? You eat something every day for years and then, one day, your body screams: “Enough!”

So, I went back to packet cereals. But what to choose? There’s such a huge selection now, and we’re now told that nearly all are deadly.

Like most upright citizens, I was raised on Corn Flakes. Later, when old enough to make my own important decisions, I’d go for these “honey nut” things, until it turned out each bowlful contained a vat of sugar.

Even supposedly healthy muesli had it. My dear old Auntie Jessie used to call muesli “muselli”, making it sound like an Italian pasta dish.

Most recently, I’ve been experimenting with oatmeal.

Previously, we were telt that big “jumbo” oat-flakes were best. But I think they’re too heavy.

So I decided to try oatmeal – wee bits, ken? Did it work? Naw. I’m far too busy to put things in a pot and stir them. Like many technologically advanced people, I prefer to use the microwave and, with oatmeal, this has proven disastrous.

Every time, it erupts all over the place, leaving just a wee puddle in the bowl. Tried it with lid on and without: same thing every time. It’s seven minutes to cook and eight minutes to clean the mess.

Occasionally, like many adventurous people, I’ll have toast for breakfast. But breakfast is really a cereal thing and, besides, I need half a loaf to feel satisfied. And everything we put on toast – butter, jam, honey, bacon – is deadly.

For a couple of days, I tried having nothing. It makes sense health-wise, since it’s widely accepted that fasting is good for us and so, by having nothing between 7pm and noon next day, you’ve given your body a break.

But I worry about the effect on energy levels. The relationship between eating and creativity fascinates me. Recently, I was stuck with a piece of writing. Then I ate two sausages, and the article wrote itself.

Thereafter, any time I felt my energy levels fall or imagination fail, I’d say, “Right, I’d better have two sausages”, until, with this occurring several times a day, my weight ballooned and I couldn’t get into my trousers. I had to go down to the village shop in my smalls. “More sausages, Rab?”

“Yes, please.”

“Perhaps, given that you can’t get into your trousers any more, you should try something else. Muselli?”

“No thanks.”

“Oatmeal?”

“Nope. Tried that. Exploded.”

I’ve now given up sausages as well as porridge, oatmeal, muselli and sugar-soaked cereals. There must be something else. It says here that young people are eating “cloud eggs” – avocado on toast.

Avocado? What animal does that come from? Do you fry it? Microwave it? All right, I’ll give it a try. But it better not explode. And I better get lots of great ideas afterwards.