Britain needs toilet training

At a time when, with the best will in the world, it can seem as if everything we hold dear is rapidly going down the toilet, how apt is it that in Japan we are seeing the invention and installation of the see-through public loo?

These brightly-coloured reinforced plastic compartments have just appeared in a couple of Tokyo parks and are aimed, if I can put it that way, at allowing potential users to check cleanliness levels before they go in and spot whether anyone is already lurking around. Ever imaginative, not to say far-sighted, the creators have used a kind of smart plastic that turns opaque when the door is locked so you don’t actually have to air your dirty linen in public. This, I surmise, will come as a great relief to all concerned, in more ways than one. A flash in the pan? Certainly not!

In a society where we are supposedly experiencing greater levels of surveillance than ever before, it is somehow comforting to realise that there is still some privacy to be had (even if it doesn’t, at the present time, extend to what’s behind the tinted windows of cars being driven by some members of parliament and their families).

If this new provision was happening here, I suspect that the powers-that-be would be installing hidden cameras just to make sure any unsuspecting end-user wasn’t attempting to make off with the thoughtfully provided quilted Andrex (other toilet tissue is available) for another bout of completely uncalled-for stockpiling.

Now, given the trend in this country of closing/scrapping these highly necessary services, any new public loo round these parts, so to speak, would be a boon and a blessing to men – and women. Although the provision for us ladies has always been notoriously less generous – and often far from convenient – than that available for the gents.

I read, while researching this subject (don’t laugh – I do put in the occasional bit of actual work on this weekly farrago, you know), that 12th Century London had a public facility with 64 seats for men and – stands back in amazement – the same number for women. So much for progress. The definition of bog standard has obviously not changed for the better since the Dark Ages. But perhaps there may not be that much of a queue for the loo with a view.

It’s one of the great truths of modern life that it’s difficult, not to say impossible, to find a public loo when you need it. But it must also be said that swathes of the great British public have not covered themselves in glory this past while when taking to the great outdoors and carefully avoiding their own doorsteps.

There is, obviously, no excuse for anti-social idiots who leave rubbish and, disgustingly, their own waste in places in which they hitherto had no interest and of which they probably had little or no knowledge until the advent of lockdown. Though lockdown may be getting a bit of a bad press here. We have friends who live in a village on the doorstep of one of the major walking routes in the North York Moors National Park. For years, they’ve been telling us horror stories about visitors who shout and make huge amounts of noise, swear at them, stare in their windows and throw rubbish into their garden. They often refuse to move, with concomitant abusive language and threatening behaviour, when it is politely pointed out to them a) that they’re camping out/parking/ picnicking/littering/defecating on public land that is there for everyone’s use and enjoyment or b) on private land where they have no business to be. And I’m not talking landowners of vast estates here, preventing the plebs’ right to roam. I’m talking about people’s front and back gardens.

In spite of our reputation for the stiff upper lip and rigid adherence to tradition and discipline, Britain has always had huge difficulties with litterlouting and vandalism. We seem to possess a large number of inhabitants with little regard for the general state of the communities in which they – and others – live. Has this deteriorated recently, in what are, by any standards, exceptional circumstances in which the best and worst of human nature have often been seen side by side? I don’t know. It’s easy to make generalisations.

But increasingly, those in power don’t recognise public needs, don’t respect rules – rules they have often imposed, ironically – and refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. From immigration and public health to education, blaming others is now the default setting. And when people see that, it’s hardly surprising they think they’ll just go ahead and do what the hell they like and de’il tak’ the hindmost.

Which is why I reckon that these clever cludgies are a piece of cracking contemporary symbolism. Would they catch on here? Hmmm…

Maybe they could be seen as a reflection of the openness and transparency we so often hear about in the conduct of public life but so rarely actually encounter.

Somebody, somewhere, certainly seems to have seen us coming.

They could be seen as a reflection of the openness we so often hear about in the conduct of public life but so rarely encounter

Picture: Shutterstock. Spending a penny in Tokyo now includes the use of transparent toilets so you can check their condition before going in.