The Courier & Advertiser (Perth and Perthshire Edition)
Why I’m going cold turkey on Twitter and chilling out with Delia’s icing tips
My plans to have an impromptu Christmas coffee with my mum were foiled on Monday by the news the upstairs cafe in the Dundee Markies was shut. I learned this from door staff who were once again marshalling a socially distanced queue that disappeared around the corner.
Assuming the worst, I gently inquired if the cafe was shut because of Omicron.
“Nah, we just needed somewhere to keep all the turkeys.”
That little fable neatly sums up the fear we’re all living with at the moment. Ready and anticipating the very worst of what might be around the corner.
I should perhaps clarify the turkeys have already faced the worst of their fate.
They are all de-gibleted and packaged in their cling film wrap and are not, as you might have feared, flapping and squawking their way around Gallagher Retail Park.
In truth, my biggest worry is that everywhere seems to have sold out of ready-to-roll fondant icing.
I’ve been nursing my Christmas cake with decent brandy since the tattie holidays. The idea I can’t finish her off in the way she deserves is unfathomable. So I’m going to have to make my own. Delia Smith will hold my hand, as she so often does with Christmas recipes, but it’s still not going to be pretty.
There’s just something about icing sugar that 100% guarantees our kitchen is going to look like a crime scene dusted down for prints later tonight.
Everything just feels that bit harder at the moment.
As if the entire nation is just collectively fed up.
Most of us want to do our bit and follow the rules but it’s getting harder.
In fact it feels more difficult now than it did in the first lockdown when the rules were so much tighter.
My tolerance levels for the decisions of others is dwindling too.
Smart people I know refusing vaccines because they think they know better.
The maskless, seemingly invincible young men – and it is largely young men – invading your personal space in the supermarket.
I feel like I’m just days away from becoming an overt grass, prepared to openly challenge folk whatever the consequences.
I know that’s stupid, counter productive and thoroughly un-british. As a species we’re supposed to just tut under our breath, glare and mo an about it in a now socially distanced queue somewhere afterwards.
I’m just tired and the holidays can’t come soon enough.
I’m fortunate to have the best part of two weeks off the day job, although I’ll continue to do a bit of writing and media here and there. But I’m also going to impose my own mini circuit breaker with social media.
I’m A Celebrity cured my addiction, but now it’s back.
I used to be obsessed with my phone when I was a politician. It was literally never out of my hand.
When I went to the jungle for I’m a Celeb in 2017, that cycle was broken, because it was taken away from us for the 12 days I was in the camp.
When I was handed it back, the addiction was essentially broken.
I smugly told people I’d reset my relationship with instant news and cat videos. But it’s crept back in slowly but sure surely over the years.
Now I’m back to my old ways of doom scrolling at night while some riveting, deeply clever TV dramas glide over my consciousness.
What a waste.
If I picked up a book every time I picked up my phone, I reckon I’d be a polymath by Easter.
Far more importantly, I’d be happier. The problem with the endless scrolling is that all I ever see is the news, which let’s face it is rarely happy, followed by people offering their own opinions and analysis on the news which, let’s just say, rarely perks up the raw ingredients.
So I’m going to give it all up for Christmas. I’m deleting Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for at least a fortnight.
If I had any semblance of cool, I’d know what Tiktok was and delete that too.
I suspect some might say that’s all a bit naive. That we can’t or shouldn’t hide from the bad news that surrounds us.
I won’t fully escape it though, I’ll still watch the TV news and buy a paper. I’m just choosing to consume it differently.
I’m dialling down the 24/7 doommongery and dialling up the carbs, cake and festive spirit.
That’s my Christmas recipe. And for all else, there’s those Delia repeats on the iplayer.
I’m dialling down the 24/7 doom-mongery and dialling up the carbs