BRUSSELS SPROUT ALL THE FAULT OF ROMANS

Rab considers the horrors of traditional Christmas vegetables – and wonders why we persist in eating it when it’s the worst thing we could stick on our fork

Are you, or are you about to be, stuffed? With food, I mean, not just generally in your lives as a whole. Merry Wotsname, readers, if that’s what day this is. Many people have forgotten the real meaning of Christmas, and so it remains for me to issue this reminder: it’s about sprouts.

Controversial, eh? Recent reports have suggested that Brussels sprouts are no longer featuring on many Xmas dinner plates.

Young persons in particular are insisting on chips and beans with their roast turkey or nut loaf. There have even been reports of macaroni cheese getting in on the act. These gourmands have my sympathies, but the problem with such an approach is that it makes Xmas dinner seem like just

any other day’s fare.

You need to suffer on Christmas Day, to atone for sins indulged in with sherry and chocolate.

It’s difficult to imagine anyone eating sprouts for pleasure, but it takes all sorts, I suppose. And, even

if you are a normal childish adult, you can drown your sprouts in butter, cheese,

bacon or even brown sugar, which I agree is going too far, unless you’re feeding very small children.

Sprouts are actually 86% water but, then again, that’s not my favourite drink either. Mind you, they say we humans are 60% water, which I’ve never quite accepted. Surely, we’d hear a lot more sloshing going on inside, and it would come oot our ears when we tilted oor heids?

Oddly enough, I’ve seen heated debate online about

whether or not to cut a cross on the top of your sprouts, as is done traditionally for better cooking through.

But some people say it causes the sprouts to get waterlogged, which is the last thing that they – or we – need. Nothing worse than a soggy sprout, which is why roasting them might be a better option.

Who started this sprout business, anyway? Was it Belgians, as the name suggests? They’re famous for their love of chocolate and

chips, so it’s a bit weird that they’ve anything to do with sprouts. But, actually, as with so many awful curses like

roads and plumbing, it’s the Romans we have to blame for sprouts. Evidence suggests

they cultivated at least some kind of forerunner of the

beasties, which then spread to northern Europe by the 5th Century.

The creatures as we now know them were cultivated in the 13th Century near Brussels, ensuring the city’s name went down in the annals of culinary infamy.

You have to bear in mind that, back in the 13th Century, folk didn’t have nice comestibles like oven chips or chocolate, but had to eat all sorts of tripe. Including tripe. You may wonder why sprouts came to be associated with spoiling Christmas, but it’s down to their seasonality: they grow at relatively low temperatures. Seasonality isn’t such a thing now, but it tends to hang around in tradition.

Meanwhile, it’s estimated that, at Xmas, 390,600,001 Brussels sprouts are eaten in Britain. Will that one be one of yours? Or will you be having the macaroni cheese?

Whatever you have, remember: nothing in moderation. Unless you are actually having the sprout.

EVIDENCE SUGGESTS THEY CULTIVATED AT LEAST SOME KIND OF FORERUNNER TO THE BEASTIES

It doesn’t matter what you do to decorate them or make them appear tasty – they’re still Brussels sprouts.