Believe us, you aren’t seeing any smiles here!
Adam Collins and Geoff Lemon on a Champions Trophy that has been confounding the experts
The Aussie journos try to keep straight faces over the events in Cardiff and manage to gear up for the end of the tournament with a look at the failures of both Ashes protagonists Geoff Lemon: I’m not laughing. Adam Collins: What do you mean? GL: I’m absolutely not. That isn’t what’s happening. AC: Why is your face doing that thing? GL: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nothing is funny. AC: I mean, I thought we were a rabble. You get bundled out the way Australia did and it’s tail between your legs stuff. No positives. A waste of time. But then, bless them, England go and do the same. Geoffrey. You were there for it. Sing me a song. GL: It’s an old Welsh song, of sweetness and woe. Of mist nourishing the meadows, and sunlight on the River Taff. Of springtime’s golden moments that pass and never come again, cast into time’s draught like a fistful of shining dust. One day, years from now, a very old man will creak in his rocking chair in the corner of a stone pub. The blazing fire will barely tamp the ache of his bones. His filmy eyes will fix upon those of a younger man, his trembling hand will point. “We nearly won the Champions Trophy once,” old Eoin Morgan will rasp. “It was the summer of ’17. I was there. I’ll never forget.” In the corner, the long drawn note of a fiddle will begin to play. AC: And then, with a tear running down his cheek, he’ll recall how they sang Bread Of Heaven in the grandstand. He thinks he saw Tom Jones up there. That explains why successive England batsmen did the equivalent of reflexively throwing their pants off. We could do this all day. But we should talk about Moises Constantino Henriques. Hindsight and whatnot, but that’s got to go down as one of the great selection howlers? GL: I feel bad for him. Seems a nice fellow. But it also seems like that’s the rationale Steve Smith employed in pushing for him to be in the team, then slotting him in at the centre of the batting. Having a decent season for the Sydney Sixers in January may not mean that you should be batting No.4 for Australia’s ODIs in June. He’s a good player, and the type who has always been floating around the edges, but never set the world alight with the chances he’s had. Why he was parachuted in for a tournament this big is a riddle without solution. AC: It was a retrofit and a supposed safe pair of hands. And sure, reward for runs in the domestic 50-over comp, and a decent IPL. But ODI cricket is moving so quickly that you have to be looking three steps forward. Marcus Stoinis and Chris Lynn haven’t got an extensive body of work, but this is the art of selection. It’s what they got so right with Renshaw. The episode felt emblematic of the cautious approach. Lehmann said as much, wanting them to be brave again. They’ll need to a reinvention if they’re any chance of defending the world title in two years. GL: Barely had a chance to get the motor running though. We saw a team struggle for rhythm with the bat on a pitch with a bit in it. The captain and coach deny it, but that hampered them. Even if the first washout hadn’t happened and New Zealand had won, Australia’s middle order and tail would have batted 50 overs at Edgbaston. Second time round against England it could have been different. Lifting the rate with wickets falling is a big ask without acclimatisation. Except for Travis Head. AC: He’s the overwhelming positive. One hit, sure. But has multiple gears. He starts out like Bevan and finishes like Gilchrist. Captain of his state at 21, asked to prioritise county cricket last year, he’s a three-format international pretty soon. Hazlewood the other who couldn’t have done more. GL: As much as we can say Australia was ordinary, in a world not very different to this one they won that game. Some beautiful first-up bowling. Starc puts a hole in Jason Roy’s pad, Hazlewood nicks off Hales to slip and Root. Then imagine that Matthew Wade holds that glove off Old Man Morgan, England are 4-40, rain comes with them in the doldrums, and Australia’s back at Edgbaston to take on India. AC: If my aunty had you-know-what’s, though. Matthew Wade’s dismissal was just as ugly as the drop. Where England are rocking out with Buttler at six, and De Kock gets in more often than most for South Africa, there’s a question to be asked with 2019 in mind. Speaking of weird deployments: Adam Zampa. Didn’t get a go until the damage was done. We saw this in the World T20 last year: Smith lacking confidence in the craft? Maybe knowing himself how volatile it can be? But it seems a waste not to have tried. GL: A waste of magnificent hair. You’re right, Smith seems anxious about certain players. Prefers caution. I hope he develops as a captain, Ponting had the same limitations. Still, I doubt they’re too cut up, as they put their feet up. No rest for us though. A week ago I was dreading this column, but now I’m in a much cheerier mood. How about this revitalised Pakistan? Three great bowling shows on the trot. Could it be an India-Pakistan final? At the time of writing we still don’t know. But if it is, perhaps the men in green have purged their India nerves after falling apart to start the tournament. AC: They win by an innings, or they lose by a million. Either way, you just have to watch. One more spin of the wheel on Sunday. Then I’ll see you at the Women’s World Cup.