VERY BRITISH PROBLEMS

Rob Temple on the small anxieties of daily life

CONTEMPLATING A HAIRCUT

1 “I could really do with a trim” Translation: I’ve begun to resemble Forrest Gump after he ran across America for several years. Or a tubby Jesus.

2 Finding yourself fantasising about the forbidden pleasure of having slightly chilly ears.

3 Hoping a professional can turn your “how hard can it be?” DIY haircut into something that no longer scares small children.

4 Ringing your hairdresser to ask if they’re reopening, to be told yes, they are indeed, and can probably fit you in sometime before Christmas 2021.

5 Feeling giddy at the prospect of facing the stylist’s mirror and uttering your classic opening gambit of “I can’t believe how much it’s grown”.

6 Discovering that small talk won’t be allowed in the salon, meaning you’ll have to offload all your fascinating lockdown anecdotes to some other lucky soul.

7 Making sure to check your homemade mask’s breathability level, to minimise the risk of sitting for 45 minutes without oxygen.

8 Reading about the salon’s new cleanliness procedures, which are so thorough you feel guilty about going in and contaminating the place.

9 Hoping your hairdresser of 10 years doesn’t say, “Remind me how you usually have it,” thereby revealing they’ve absolutely no recollection of who you are.

10 Giving serious thought to buying a machine you’ve seen online that promises to “suck all your unwanted hair clean away!”

Rob Temple’s latest book, Very British Problems: The Most Awkward One Yet (Sphere) is out now. Follow him on Twitter: @SoVeryBritish