GRAHAM NORTON AGONY UNCLE

The author, comedian and presenter advises readers. Send your problems to graham@telegraph.co.uk

mouthing off: is it too late to re-educate them? A cab driver drops something unsavoury into the conversation: do we just ignore it because the journey is nearly over and we don’t want any trouble? Even wording this response to you makes me feel as if I’m trying to defuse a bomb. We are all scared of getting it wrong.

The truth is that if you are going to take a stand against the racism you encounter in others, then you can’t pick and choose. Rather fittingly, it is just black and white, with no real grey area. You don’t have to hand out leaflets or report a hate crime every time you hear something that makes you wince. But you do need to have a conversation with your friend. Remark on how her attitudes seem to have changed. Explain that they make you uncomfortable. Then see where things go.

She may decide that you are no longer a friend; or you might end up having a much lengthier conversation about our prejudices and where they come from.

We all want to be judged on who we are, not what we are, and we are outraged when people presume to second-guess our views or motivations. It seems to me that every night watching the news, we ought to ask ourselves questions and try to prise apart economic, religious and ethnic circumstances from individual stories.

Your friend isn’t a monster, she is just the part of ourselves we don’t like to see. Help her step into the light. My eldest son is intelligent, but was extremely lazy at school and didn’t get the grades to go to the university of his choice, ending up elsewhere through Clearing. After partying hard for the first two years he pulled himself together and got a first-class degree.

He has come home and has a full-time job as a car salesman in a high-end showroom. The salary is good, there is a career path, he enjoys it and has found he is very good at it.

The problem is he only plans to work until Christmas. He then wants to travel in Australia with his girlfriend until the money runs out, which he expects to be after two months. They then intend to start master’s degrees next September.

We have another son starting his degree this year and we can’t afford to support them both financially. I appreciate that my elder son does not want to be a car salesman forever, but we are not wealthy, and he could at least use some of his earnings to fund his next course and ease the pressure on us and his brother.

Equally, I don’t want my son to have any regrets. I am not sure how much his travel plans are being driven by his girlfriend, who has been given a large sum of money by her family and has no financial worries. What do you think?

JACKIE, NOTTS

Dear Jackie

This is a young man we are talking about, not some six-year-old who must be shielded from discovering Father Christmas’s true identity. Sit him down and talk this through with him. Explain the harsh reality of the economic situation in your household and then weigh up his various options. The thing both you and your son have in your favour is that he is not averse to the idea of working and understands the importance of earning cash.

It seems to me that he can do what he wants without ruining you or robbing his brother’s opportunities. If he wants to go travelling with Miss Moneybags, let him. But explain that he will then have to go back to work before he starts his master’s. There may be bursaries and scholarships he can apply for in addition to his savings from the car showroom, but the bottom line is that the Bank of Mum and Dad has closed its doors. Surely he is old enough to understand your circumstances and how they differ from those of his girlfriend. If he doesn’t get it, then I fear you may have dropped the parenting ball somewhere along the line.

Of course, it may just be that he is just very gifted at turning a blind eye to inconvenient truths and awkward facts. Maybe that is why he is so good at selling cars… just a thought.