DEBORA’S guide to modern MANNERS

Who needs Debrett’s when we have Debora Robertson’s guide to etiquette in 2021? Here, she sets out the new rules of common courtesy as we navigate a changed world

Eighteen months ago, before the world tilted on its axis, I sat down with my friend Kay Plunkett-Hogge to write a book on manners and how to survive in the modern world with your dignity, sense of humour and career intact. And then, well, you know the rest.

The things we previously took for granted have changed, shifted, and each day there is a new dilemma to face: how to greet friends; how to cope when someone you care about is vehemently anti-mask and/or anti-vax; who to have in your support bubble; how to navigate the rule of six; what to do if someone edges too close to you in the post office queue, and is it ever acceptable to prod someone with a two-metre pointy stick?

A book on manners may feel a little too Marie-Antoinette for this new world, but from what I see around me every time I nudge myself out of the house or look at our local Nextdoor group online, as an old boss of mine used to say, we clearly need to build an extension on the charm school. We’re all a bit spiky, a bit tired.

Having beautiful manners is not about knowing how to seat a duke at lunch or what to wear for drinks at six, as opposed to dinner at eight. Good manners are not about being pretentious or excluding others via some sort of arcane, salad-fork-based mystery code, and they are absolutely not about trying to catch people out. You are better than your place setting. In an increasingly ungracious and uncertain world, good manners are about aspiring to graciousness and navigating a sometimes rocky path with ease, charm and a little élan. Good manners are simply codified kindness. However tiresome the #BeKind hashtag might have become (often aggressively flung about by absolute monsters, kind-washing their own awful behaviour), we need kindness now more than ever.

It makes the people around us feel good, but ultimately, it makes us feel better, too.

There is a comfort in knowing we have done everything we could – within reason – and if the other person is still cross or upset, then as my granny used to say, “It’s a pity about them”. She also used to say, “What they need is a good floor to scrub,” which, at the moment, often seems particularly apposite.

We are, all of us, a little more wobbly and on edge than usual, and thoughtful good manners have the ability to enhance the quality of our everyday lives, to soften the daily blows of uncertainty and anxiety. The aim of good manners is far from a tediously rigid formality, a glacial correctness or perfection. It is about – even in these circumstances – running at life with a good heart, and hoping to spread the joy, one thank-you note (emailed is fine), well-timed phone call, or thoughtful word at a time.

WAVE HELLO say goodbye

Even with the loosening of restrictions, we will all have to be cautious for a while yet, wearing our face masks, washing our hands, giving people space. If you are wearing a mask, make an extra effort to smile with your eyes, as Tyra Banks used to tell the hopefuls on America’s Next Top Model.

I don’t know about you, but I still feel awkward when I see people I know in the street. I miss hugging and kissing my friends and even shaking hands with acquaintances. I still find it awkward to know what to do with my hands, and I think I am not alone, given the persistence of the dreaded elbow bump in some quarters. On meeting, I find keeping my hands loosely behind my back to avoid handshakes – à la the Prince of Wales – helps.

And it is absolutely fine to put an arm out in a “Halt! Who goes there?” fashion, and cheerfully say, “Too close!” if you feel someone is invading your space in a way that is uncomfortable or potentially unsafe.

WHATSAPP with you?

A lot of our work and social interaction has moved on to messaging services such as WhatsApp. It is a quick and convenient way to communicate with an individual or groups of people, but doesn’t leave much space for niceties.

As with so many things, it is important to deduce the sender’s intention. What they may see as an efficient way of sharing information with you may come across as snappy and rude without vocal or visual clues to indicate tone. You will save yourself a lot of anxiety if you don’t always assume bad faith. Give yourself a break. If you are the sender, a courteous opening and an odd thank you will go an awfully long way.

Socially, I have so many WhatsApp groups busily bubbling away on my phone and I have loved the camaraderie, fun and, YES, gossip (now that no one goes anywhere or does anything, I miss high-quality gossip so much) over the past year.

I also live in a state of semi-permanent terror of posting the wrong message on the wrong group, and thereby committing some kind of horrendous faux pas. If this happens, all you can do is fall on your phone and apologise profusely and then, as soon as travel restrictions allow, go and live in an undisclosed location with a new identity and limited social media privileges.

OFFICE CULTURE when everyone is at home

Working from home used to be an occasional “privilege” afforded to few of us, but it is currently the norm for many of us and it may remain so for some time. Of course, we have got to grips by now with the importance of being on time, being available and responding promptly to emails and other messages, but it is also very important to manage your office life as you would if you were in the office, instead of at your kitchen table, which is to say, respect your own and others’ boundaries.

Switch off your work email after hours if you can, and don’t expect others to be working late or early just because you are.

KEEPING YOUR boundaries

Just as a crisis brings out the best in some, it brings out the worst in others. We are all looking forward to seeing our friends and families again, even under these new constraints.

For most, a coffee and a chat on a park bench is enough for now. But we all know those who will want to bend the rules and take offence if we don’t acqui

esce. Not one person meeting up outside, but a few? Not six people having a picnic, but 10? And what if they get too close? Want a hug? To shake hands? Of course a firm NO is absolutely fine, but for some it is hard to give, and for others, even harder to hear.

Practise if you have to, but find some words you feel comfortable saying, along the lines of, “I can’t wait to see you, but I really don’t feel comfortable with that yet”. It is also absolutely fine not to see people who you think won’t respect your boundaries, and keep those relationships online only for now.

On the other side of this equation, it is never acceptable to ridicule anyone else’s caution as we navigate our way through the social implications of living in a Covid-19 world. It is boorish and rude.

MOVING on

As we edge forwards into the spring and summer, we may expect to enjoy greater freedoms, and while the anticipation of that is wonderful in many ways, it doesn’t come without its own anxieties.

I know a few people for whom the past year, while not being enjoyable exactly, has allowed them to relax into their inner introvert, and others who have been inside so long that they view the opening up with trepidation. I think we all need to be patient and, yes, kind with each other. We have been through a hellish shared societal experience and we will feel its repercussions for a long while yet.

Some will, no doubt, plunge headlong into a festival of hedonism, and who can blame them? For others, it will prove considerably more challenging. Reticence may feel like deliberate distancing if you are on the receiving end of it.

What may appear to be standoffishness face to face may just be nervousness or uncertainty. I hope if we have learnt anything in this past year, it is how to be more honest with our feelings, and that vulnerability is not a weakness. As best we can, I think we all just need to jump in and use our words. If you are anxious or awkward, just say so.

If you are raring to get out there, pay close attention to people’s non-verbal cues and any verbal hesitancy – they may not be as keen as you are, but might be afraid to hurt your feelings. There is no way out of this other than kindness; let that be your guide.

If you have friends who get too close or want a greater degree of intimacy than you are ready for, be warm, be friendly, but be firm. Say how you feel, “I love you, I miss you, but I’m not ready for this yet!”. When you are ready, it will be all the sweeter and anyone who genuinely cares for you will understand that.

HOW NOT TO HATE your hood

One of the great boons of this past year has sometimes been one of its greatest sources of irritation. At first, neighbourhood message boards such as Nextdoor and local Facebook groups showed the best of us: making food for NHS workers or vulnerable local people; offers to walk shielding neighbours’ dogs or to pick up prescriptions and shopping; socially distanced gardening and friendly chats over a fence.

And of course, all of that still exists, but at least where I live, what once was so wholesome and good has degenerated into irate threads complaining about huffing joggers, clusters of kids in the park, pavement cyclists, roadworks, dog poo (in plastic bags or not), litter, illegal parties, parking, inadequate mask wearing versus the freedom not to wear a mask at all, vaxxing and antivaxxing… all guaranteed to provoke a thousand responses because we’re bored, we’re fractious and some of us have a lot of time on our hands.

Tempting as it might be to have a prod, don’t allow yourself to get embroiled. Engage if you want to, but try to do it in a limited way. Seek out the happy and the helpful. Whizz past the angry and idiotic, especially if you think you might be tempted to respond. You never know, you might have to meet these people face to face one day.