You tell children you’re not going to die – but you don’t know that

A parent diagnosed with cancer can do a number of practical things to help their youngsters cope

“I’M NOT going to die.” That’s the first thing I said to my two young children when I got my cancer diagnosis.

At that moment, of course, I knew no such thing and was still reeling from leaving the hospital and the specialist who had delivered the news. But it was imperative to say it out loud to them – to try to create calm in the middle of the maelstrom. Now, looking back, I realise it was as much for myself as them.

The Princess of Wales will have been having to have that conversation with her children, as she mentioned in her announcement. There will have been tears but also lots of questions. From my experience, here are some ideas for how to navigate the most difficult period of their young lives.

First, share as much medical information as is practical.

Children can be pragmatic to the point of dispassionate – my eight-yearold daughter wanted to know if she could see the tumour. My 11-year-old son said, not unreasonably, “I don’t want to go out of the house with you if you’ve got no hair.” Being able to explain what happens when you have surgery to cut out cancer and why chemotherapy affects your hair gives them something real to expect and accept.

Tell friends and family that your children know and that they should be included in any conversations. This keeps things from developing unhelpfully in other ways (along the lines of “my aunt had bowel/breast/lung cancer… she’s dead now”. I got a lot of that).

Children who feel conversations are happening over their heads or behind closed doors can build up anxiety or resentment so while they can’t know everything, they’ll need familiar faces to keep close and confident with.

Treading the line of not burdening your children but letting them know they are a priority is important. If there’s a day or night on which it is just too hard to put on a brave face, call in the cavalry to take the children for pizza/go-karting/chums together homework club.

Having said that, building in routine is important too. Having been told by an oncologist to eat anything, any time, to keep up energy, we made snack delivery into an occasion – a duty that was important but also fun, as the little deliverer could share them with me.

As a cancer patient, your physical appearance changes a lot. It was hard enough on the school run and around the supermarket. It’s unfathomable how difficult that is going to be with the world’s eyes on you.

But the children can get involved there too – we chose hats and scarves together and had impromptu styling sessions.

When treatment finishes, the recovery can really begin. It’s fantastic to be able to look forward. Anticipation is 90 per cent of happiness.

I spent time during the later part of treatment planning a fun holiday that I’d discuss with the children – a road trip that we were all allowed to choose one element of.

Prince William and the Princess of Wales’s children will play an important role in her recovery

3 Kate pauses after she says she will make a full recovery, before widening the message to all of those affected by cancer 3

2 Engagement ring back in its rightful place after not being seen in Mother’s Day picture 2

1 Kate is animated as she reassures nation she is well, just as she did for her children