Simon Cusden

Represented England Under-19s and played for Kent and Derbyshire. Subsequently set up a coaching company.

When I was playing, someone at the PCA said that I needed to think about life after cricket, and I thought: “What does that even mean? What is life after cricket?”

It’s hard to know, looking back, whether it was being in denial about letting go of the cricket dream. In 2004 I played well, I was disciplined, focused and present. 2005 was the comedown year, and in 2006 it spiralled. I was turning up to training in the mornings drunk. I created this persona that everything was amazing, I’m earning money, I have a beautiful wife. I sort of lived my life on social media and kept my immediate relationships to a minimum.

The first time I shared any of this was six years after my career finished and by that time, the spiral had got out of control. I didn’t feel I had much hope. I had got sober but now I was back worse than I was before. I was drinking two to three bottles of whiskey a day for days on end. And then suicidal thoughts came into my brain.

I was camping once and I thought I would tie a rock to my foot and jump in the river, where the tent was. I thought that as long as the rock was heavy enough then it will do the job. Quite clinically, I jumped in.

But after maybe a minute or so, my whole body started fighting it. It wasn’t my mind – my mind wanted to stay there until it was over. But something in me wanted to not die. So I swam to the surface, even though this rock was almost too heavy to lift.

I climbed out and remember being really annoyed because I couldn’t even kill myself. I sat on the grass and thought: “I really do only know how to drink.”

I knew the PCA was fantastic and that the Benevolent Fund was there. I just wasn’t in a position to ask for help. But if it wasn’t for them then I would be dead.