Football is coming home – and Japan can clean up afterwards

Allow yourself to dream and Gareth Southgate will make amends for Euro ’96, all while wearing a waistcoat

Nobody likes an ad break, do they? It is never quite long enough to do anything useful with, and there is a fine line between expertly prolonging the tension and making people entirely forget what they were tuned into anyway. Yet, after England’s shock penalties win on Tuesday, the air has been thick with heady excitement: the two-day pause from play this week proving that the World Cup’s “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” approach to programming has fallen on the right side of the divide.

It is likely to be the deeply un-british weather we are having, the heatwave whipping us up into a stupor in which we are now willingly making eye contact with fellow commuters with a look to say that football really is coming home, but now is the summer of our utterly unexpected content and, given that England have broken their penalties curse, our daring to dream has reached new heights. Perhaps it is the sun in our eyes, but we can all but see Kane and co making the final next weekend – though, given the almighty toppling so many of the biggest tournament contenders have taken thus far, who their opponents might be is anyone’s guess.

So, in the interim, here are a few of our own imaginings of what the World Cup finale might look like. Oh it would be good, wouldn’t it? They would give it top billing on Pay Per View, Polonium 2-10, the Rematch; Putin lingering perilously close to the touchline, the threat of nerve agents in the air – a meeting of each country’s sporting finest that could only, should England edge it, end in World War Three. Is it wrong to wonder whether the tournament can be rejigged in time to make this an actual possibility? It would be the spectacle of the century.

Or, really, Ronaldo v Messi, in which two men would fight it out for the title of ultimate GOAT. It would essentially just be one of them running down the pitch, scoring, then the other one doing the same in the opposite direction, followed by a In a follow-up to the tidying efforts of the Japanese fans post-playing Senegal, the team decided to extend their own penchant for decluttering to Rostov Arena’s changing room after losing to Belgium, not only leaving it spotless, but with an accompanying thank-you note, written in Russian. A lovely gesture – or are they merely gunning for the cleaners’ jobs now they are out of the competition?

There was something oddly beautiful about watching the tears fall silently from the glassy blue eyes of Sweden’s fans when they lost in the dying minutes of their group game against Germany – a match a remarkable swathe of the world’s natural blondes seemed to have been attending. If you suffer from Blond Blindness, as I do, this makes for interesting viewing, as the camera closing in on players from either fair-haired side gives little inkling as to which team they have just scored for. Denmark, then, would be fitting opponents, adding an extra layer of suspense Having acted so nobly throughout the competition, there is only one possible victory for Southgate that could rank greater than an England win: striding up to the goal, smoothing down his waistcoat, and then – bam! – a deft shot that sails past his old penalty-saving foe Andreas Kopke who, now aged 56, has his mind on other things, like getting to the car park before the rest of the crowd post-match. Vengeance is delivered, justice is restored, and a national holiday in which everyone must wear a waistcoat is instated in Southgate’s honour.