Australia betray the heritage of their hard men
Baggy Greens have always had a ruthless edge, but Simon Briggs fears latest edict will leave them lacking spark
Indeed, the leopard is not just painting over its spots, but pulling on a pussycat mask as well
It must have been a fast and frenetic week in British sports news. Otherwise, we Poms would have spent more time sniggering over Australian cricket’s latest meltdown.
Forget Jamie Lee Curtis’s latest Halloween reboot, the past week has been another horror show for the Baggy Greens – the sorest point since Cameron Bancroft was caught sticking sandpaper down his pants in March.
First we beheld a role-reversal of rare piquancy: David Warner, cricket’s answer to Hannibal Lecter, marching off the field during a grade match because a fielder had said something beastly to him.
Then, by Monday, the long-awaited “cultural review” into the Australian game had landed, complete with an awkward “Player Pact” that betrayed the hard-man heritage of Jeff Thomson, Rod Marsh et al. “We want to make all Australians proud,” the slogan gushed. “Compete with us. Smile with us. Fight on with us. Dream with us.” Former Test allrounder Andrew Symonds was among the first to smell a rat. “That to me appears as though it’s a panic tactic,” he scoffed. “The boys have said, ‘You’ve got to come up with something, you’ve got to be seen to be making an effort’. And it’s a bit corny, isn’t it? That’s not the Australian cricket way in my opinion.”
No indeed. The leopard is not just painting over his spots, but pulling on a pussycat mask as well. Consider new national coach Justin Langer, who says he wants 11 players he could take home to his daughters. This is the same Justin Langer who used to turn the air blue from slip. He would even sledge you when he was 12th man.
Nobody is suggesting that we condone the ball-tampering incident that unfolded at Newlands in March. But is it really proportionate for the cultural review to have come up with 42 recommendations, including the suggestion that “selectors be required to take account of a player’s character as well as their skills”? Table manners are of limited use when the opposition are 200 for two.
Like it or not, the great Australia teams have always had a ruthless edge to them. The 1920s captain Warwick Armstrong was famously uncompromising, while Mike Brearley once accused Ian Chappell’s mob of “turning cricket into gang warfare”.
There are deep roots beneath this attitude, including Australia’s frontier mentality, and the origins of Ashes cricket as a challenge from a remote colony. As anyone from a big family will know, younger brothers fight tooth and nail.
As time passed, that no-holdsbarred mindset became ingrained. The Aussies shared a core belief that they would always hang tougher than their rivals.
It turned moderate players into solid performers and good ones into giants.
Like Manchester United under Sir Alex Ferguson, Steve Waugh’s gum-chewers were unpopular, but they were also hugely admired.
It is true that, sooner or later, they were due for a fall. But the outcry that followed Newlands should have been enough of a lesson in itself. This was an unusual consequence of weak and exhausted leadership, coming as it did at the end of a long season. Smith is too self-absorbed to be a natural captain, while Warner simply creates trouble wherever he goes.
But the team must hang on to their snarl and their snark. The toothless Australia described in the so-called Player’s Pact will never light up a great Ashes Test series. The longer the Aussies persist with this charm offensive, the more we will miss the rabblerousers of old.