How to recreate that Festival magic in lockdown
a tweed hip flask from Amazon, squeeze your entire household on to a patch of grass and set fire to bundle of tenners
Travelling to the course
Relive the Cheltenham coach trip experience by getting on a bus in your town, drinking nine cans of Strongbow and asking the driver to stop every few minutes so you can have a pee. Non-race-day traffic is sure to find this delightful.
If you’re worried you’ll miss the thrills and adventures of the Cheltenham car park experience, get up in the middle of the night, drive the family car to the next county and forget where you left it.
If you habitually travel to Cheltenham on the train, replicate the experience by standing in your airing cupboard for an hour longer than you were hoping, setting fire to a bundle of tenners, and asking a family member to keep treading on your feet.
The clothes
Make your own tweed jacket by finding an old suit you no longer need, mixing up all of your paints until they form a murky brown colour and applying with the roller you did your bedroom walls with.
The enclosures
Divide your house into strictly enforced zones. Charge family members £2 for access to the kitchen wearing whatever they like; £5 for living room, with opencollared shirts acceptable but absolutely no jeans; and a tenner to go upstairs, dressed like a character from Bridgerton.
The race-day experience
Given the distancing regulations still in place, you are going to struggle to recreate the Cheltenham packed-in-like-sardines feeling, unless you have a very large family or a very small home.
See if you can get everyone in your household into the garden and all stand on one square yard of the lawn to make the most authentic recreation. If you do not have a garden, consider buying a small patch of Astroturf , installing it in your living room and pouring hundreds of gallons of water on it until it is suitably soggy underfoot.
The sounds
The Cheltenham roar is one of the most distinctive noises in sport. To create your own version, leave an upturned plug and some bits of Lego on the floor of the living room and let your loved ones do the rest.
Freshening up
Only those who are lucky enough to live with a toddler who has not quite mastered potty training can truly be transported to the Cheltenham loos, but at least at home you can get your wellies out if needs be.
Betting
Tap into that Cheltenham wellspring of hope by firing up the online bookie account every time Willie Mullins comes on screen. This used to be the case with Ruby Walsh, but he is now a pundit on television: do not attempt to bet on Ruby Walsh.
Retail
The shopping village at Cheltenham will be missed by those who just cannot get through a day out without buying a Land Rover or a massive diamond brooch. Be sure to order suitably Cheltenham-ish purchases from Amazon throughout the day, such as a tweed hat, a tweed coat, a tweed hip flask and a tweed very expensive rocking horse.
Landmarks
The Cheltenham tradition of meeting someone by the statue of Sir Anthony Mccoy and saying: “It doesn’t really look like Sir Anthony Mccoy, does it?” can be enjoyed at home by making a sculpture out of mashed potato or Play-doh. For the most faithful re-rendering, make sure the artist is four years old or younger.
The pals
Of course, a day at the races is not just about horses, dressing up nicely and the sort of judgment-free morning alcohol consumption usually reserved for airport pubs. Racing is nothing without the friends we make along the way.
Arrange for a 14-hour Zoom with four of your mates, spend the day growing increasingly jealous with the one who keeps winning, but console yourself with the thought that we’ll be able to do it properly next year.