Football needs a bit of Lions tour magic
The Cinderella story of challenging sporting logistics has a happy ending – the Lions shall go to the braai. This is a huge boost for lovers of both sport and its natural by-product, overwrought documentaries.
Football has no equivalent to the joyous novelty of a Lions tour, no tradition of enthralling Test-match series, and needs some good vibes.
The prospect of a European Championship taking place in Baku, Bilbao, Budapest, Bucharest and even some cities that do not begin with a “B” is just not cutting it. The time has surely come for a football (sorry rugby purists, soccer) Lions tour. How could it work?
The precedents Combined Great Britain men’s teams have appeared in 10 Olympic Games, most recently at London 2012. Team GB bravely drew with Senegal then beat the combined mights of Uruguay and the United Arab Emirates, before losing on penalties to South Korea. We just need to get Ireland and Northern Ireland involved and surely their players will want to follow in the illustrious footsteps of the boys of 2012? Their names will echo throughout history. James Tomkins, Steven Caulker, Marvin Sordell. It truly was an unforgettable summer.
The name There are too many lions on the England badge to ape rugby here. A name must unite all five nations and sum up the spirit of the endeavour. Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present: The British and Irish Football Pints. A name so binding it might even attract some stray rugby fans.
The tours The southern hemisphere beckons, with Argentina and Brazil obvious candidates. Boca Juniors or Flamengo v Pints as a final warm-up game might end up more exciting than the international Tests that follow.
Less exciting fare if you stick to the rugby destinations. Kaizer Chiefs, Wellington Phoenix or Perth Glory v Pints do not sound like ratings winners.
The real fun is in possible European tours. Germany, France, Holland or Spain could offer genuinely enthralling international series, but the clear winner is Italy.
Here is a proposed schedule, with a gradual ramping up of difficulty: San Marino, Chievo Verona U9s, Bunga Bunga Invitation XI, 90s Serie A All-stars, Brescia, Juventus (Aaron Ramsey to play one half for each side), Italy (San Siro), Italy (Stadio Olimpico), Italy (the actual Colosseum).
The anthem A sticking point, because God Save the Queen would be opening a large can of worms. Again, the need is to unify with something suitably rousing.
Please be upstanding for the song which best defines our various countries.
Yes, it is the Fratellis’ eternal soundtrack to having one too many bantzes – Chelsea Dagger. Hands over hearts, look solemn, and belt out the profound lyrics: “Der/ der-der-der/der-der-der/der-der der-der der-der der!”
The coach Should be a victory lap for someone with a stunning career, an elder statesman with fond ties to the British Isles. Only one candidate: Arsene Wenger. He needs this. It also keeps him from coming up with more wacky ideas in his new role as Fifa soothsayer. Jose Mourinho is next off the rank.
The team Lions selection debates agonise over representation for diverse cultures. A noble concept, and one worth reflecting. The Pints need a range of attitudes, from the mansplaining English boorishness of Harry Maguire to the Scottish love of language passed down from Robert Burns. Kieran Tierney is straight into the team after being caught recently on a microphone calling Benfica’s Darwin Nunez “a f------ diving c---”.
Much like Eddie Jones’s England, some countries are facing a struggle to make the team at all. Nevertheless, with at least one representative from each nation and an emphasis on fun rather than function, here is my proposed starting XI: Nick Pope (Burnley and England); Trent Alexander-arnold (Liverpool and England), Jonny Evans (Leicester City and Northern Ireland), Harry Maguire (Manchester United and England), Kieran Tierney (Arsenal and Scotland), Andy Robertson (Liverpool and Scotland); Jack Grealish (Aston Villa and England), Scott Mctominay (Manchester United and Scotland), Gareth Bale (Spurs, Real Madrid, Golf and Wales); Harry Kane (Spurs and England), Shane Long (Bournemouth and Ireland).
Yes, it is tough to find room for an Irishman.
The impact Unconfined joy! Parties in the streets! Really upsetting scenes outside Wetherspoons! Who knows, it could even save the Union?
It has no equivalent to the joyous novelty of a tour, no tradition of enthralling series, and can do with good vibes