What happened next

Manchester United cries, ‘No way, José’

December 2016 As Manchester United’s torrid run of form continues through Christmas, pressure mounts on manager José Mourinho. When board members make clear they’re ready to sack him, Mourinho stuns the football world by admitting that he has been working as a double agent for Chelsea. ‘Er, yep, I make United bad so Chelsea good, see?’ he states, in a hastily organised press conference. ‘This all my intention. I am still Special One. I am Special Mole. Got you!’

January 2017 With the country still in shock at what could be the most audacious case of match-fixing in football

‘I make United bad so Chelsea good, see? This all my intention. I am still Special One. I am Special Mole’

history, an official parliamentary inquiry – led by Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson (on account of Mourinho being foreign) – is set up to investigate. It takes a week for the inquest to establish that Mourinho made everything up, in order to avoid taking responsibility for United’s season. ‘Pretending to be on the other side solely to further your own career?’ Johnson splutters. ‘It’s ludicrous.’

August 2017 With the new season looming, the police and FA officials deliberate on the most appropriate form of punishment for Mourinho’s time-wasting. In the end, they offer him: serve a two-year prison sentence; apologise and publish a book dedicated to Eva Carneiro, the former Chelsea doctor he fell out with, and called

I Admit, I Am Not So Special; or manage the England team for one full tournament cycle. Mourinho enters Wandsworth Prison the following month.