What happened next

Trump’s British adventure

November 2017, day one: On the morning of Donald Trump’s dreaded state visit, Theresa May’s aides are thrown into a frenzy when they find Buckingham Palace’s doors locked and a note left on an easel in the forecourt reading, ‘Gone to Balmoral. So sorry to miss Donald. Seems charming. ER x.’ Panicking, they move the black-tie dinner to Buckingham Plaice, a fish and chip shop off the M40, and have May herself impersonate the Queen. ‘Wow, your house sure looks bigger on TV,’ Trump says, eyeing the restaurant from his plastic stool. ‘And, pardon me, Your Majesty, but are those leather trousers underneath your gown?’ Day two: A visibly nervous May conducts a tempestuous joint press conference at 10 Downing Street. When Trump starts throwing paper aeroplanes scrawled with the word ‘LIES’ at Laura Kuenssberg, May attempts to pick up the tone. ‘Er, we may be a small country,’ she stutters, ‘but we’re

They move the black-tie dinner to Buckingham Plaice, a fish and chip shop off the M40

a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles…’ Noticing she is merely reciting Hugh Grant’s speech from Love Actually, the room groans, but she presses on: ‘David Beckham’s right foot...’ Suddenly, a squeaky voice interrupts, ‘How about David Beckham’s knighthood?’ Day three: Trump is whisked away from baying protestors to a country weekend at Chequers. During a photo call, he is disappointed to notice May’s bespoke Chanel straitjacket – a ploy to avoid a repeat of hand-hold-gate. Undeterred, he scoops the Prime Minister up and holds her like a baby. ‘Not quite the message we want to send, Donald!’ May hisses, as cameras flash. By the time Nigel Farage arrives to drive Trump back to Stansted, ‘Mothered Theresa’ headlines have gone global. Guy Kelly