Porn

You know all about property porn, you’ve probably got Zoop la or Right move open right now; it’s your gateway to another world, another life. one with a 70 ft garden, or a terrace overlooking the river, or a dressing room. Yes! Yes! Ye… but what about all the other porn? the other de lights we like to indulge in. later. by ourselves. like…

Crying porn

Just going about our business ordering a Deliveroo and watching Terms of Endearment/ the film with Meryl St reep and Dustin Hoffman/t he one where Julianne Moore gets alzheimer’s at 50 for heaven’s sake, and crying and crying and crying. How ling. a great big cleansing wail that washes away a ll the tensions and mini torments… oh God, so good.

podcast porn

we are the queens of podcasts. the ultimate pod-listeners. we are So Hot for podcasts. one day, we might actually listen to one all the way through. then just imagine how amazing we will feel.

insta-porn

there you are, tucked up in bed with your t humb gent ly st rok ing… your iphone screen as you deep dive into Instagram. a deep, deep, drill down. a never-ending, completely addictive, serotonin-compromising loop. Peering into other people’s curated life stories. nearly incredibly fulfilling but… not quite. Getting. there. actually you suddenly feel a bit empty. Maybe just one more little peek, then.

Cancellation porn

we are trying to think if there is anything more, um, satisfying than being cancelled at 8.15 on the morning of the actual event. It gives you an entire day back, plus the evening itself. the sword of Diary Damocles is not hanging over your head as you wonder all day, a) whether the event is going to happen or, b) whether you a re going to have enough energy to be your‘ going out’ self, as opposed to your‘ staying-in pyjama’ self. Yup, cancelling is hotter than hell. Cancel me, cancel me, cancel me hard. Cancel me like I deserve it.

Box-set porn

ah the joy of a box set. the thrill of the first episodes, the getting-to-know-you bit, the thrum of the story. If you are extremely lucky you have two or three on the go to suit your myriad moods: a funny one, a cosy one, a dangerous one. You are Sky Plussing like mad – you are the Stephen Hawking of managing th et v-time continuum. then suddenly you are in the final stretch. You have three episodes left. It’s getting so good. Do you watch one, then two? or two, then leave the last one just teetering at the climax? nearly there. Edging closer...

Food-delivery porn

we get Hellofresh, Farmdrop, abel & Cole and the other one. You can’t get through our front doors without grazing your shins on wonky vegetables and fresh eggs. we have a very intense relationship with all our grocery drivers. but what are we going to do with all these turnips( sobs )? not a very happy ending.

Holiday porn

where will you go? Peru? will you have a little detox? or walk the alps? will you go solo? are you too young for a cruise? and once you’ve made the commitment, there’s the hot and heavy foreplay – you probably keep the hotel/countr y website open on your browser so you can have a quick hit of your holiday whenever you want. You fantasise about the perfect holiday wardrobe. are you going to get new luggage this year? oh, Don’t Stop! You are not thinking of the sheer hell of buying a swimsuit that fits, one that doesn’t give you four bums or slice your torso so you look like a cloud with bits of string tied around it. You are not thinking of the Gatwick Express or the airport Pret or that thing you read about how planet rays are never wiped and are basically sewers. thought: is booking the sexiest bit?

linen porn

two words for you: clean sheets. want more? because there is more: just laundered. Freshly pressed. Hospital corners. Stretched. Plump ed. Diptyque-scented ironing spray. St arch. we’ll stop now because this is a family magazine.

You fantasise about the perfect holiday wardrobe. Are you going to get new luggage this year? OH, DON’T STOP!!