The Midult’s guide to...

Outrageous provocation

Are we getting more irritable as we get older, or are people getting more annoying? it’s exhausting to spend half the day in a frenzy of agitation, but if they are guilty of any or all of the following, what do you expect? we are only human… Complaining about being poor as a humblebrag. ‘never buy a second house – total financial drain. Can’t even afford Verbier this year. we’re having to ski in italy instead.’ And on that note…

Skiing in general. it just screams, ‘i am richer than you, more organised than you, fitter, braver, more accomplished’ – and with a free pass for cheese. When people come for supper and say, ‘I’ll leave after this tea.’ everyone knows that herbal tea is hotter than lava. we are in for another 45 minutes. Do we showily pour in some cold water? Putting a phone on loudspeaker while being held in an interminable caller queue. Yes, we know you are in hell, but do we have to be there too? Intakes of breath from the passenger seat. Instagramming breakfast. this is never OK.

When someone starts an anecdote

with, ‘This is hilarious,’ and then starts laughing and can’t get the story out. And we are left standing there with a kind of rictus grin.

The 6.30pm confirmation. we texted at 8.30am: ‘Are we still on for tonight?’ By 6.29pm there has been no reply, so mentally we are on the sofa. then a text pings: ‘Can’t wait!’

When someone shuts down all of

our tabs after borrowing the computer (usually to google something pointless). Did you really just do that? Changing the music when we are driving. An unforgivable offence.

When someone says, ‘Ooh, ooh, I have something to tell you,’ then

walks out of the room or hops out of the taxi. But even that’s not as annoying as… Inhaling as though about to launch into something spicy, then pausing and saying, ‘Oh, never mind.’

When someone presses ‘decline’

after three rings. Must they signpost the rejection? Just turn your phone to silent so we can continue pretending that it’s ringing and you can’t reach it because you are indisposed/trapped. When people leave such a small amount of milk in the fridge that it is invisible to the naked eye just so they can say, ‘i didn’t finish the milk.’ Ditto petrol in the tank.

A 10.20pm cinema booking. On a

Tuesday. Chosen by a friend who wants a leisurely dinner for a proper catch-up. First of all, we agreed to the cinema because we don’t want to talk, and now we won’t be home until after 1am. what is this, new Year’s eve? Re-stacking of the dishwasher after we’ve loaded it. An act of aggression.

When we admire someone’s outfit and ask them where their jumper is from, and they say, ‘I can’t

remember.’ How many clothes do you have? How rich are you? And no, i don’t want to look at the label.

Or when someone posts a #OOTD on Instagram and then doesn’t say

where anything is from. the hashtag (which means ‘outfit of the day’, for insta-newbies) is annoying enough. if you are going to share, then share. Laughing really loudly so we ask what’s funny, then saying, ‘nothing.’ Devising fancy-dress themes that only work if one has the body of a Victoria’s Secret model. For example, Baywatch. (i’ll be the shark, then…) Bcc’ing. what reason is there ever to do this, other than being sneaky? themidult.com

A 10.20pm cinema booking? We won’t be home until 1am. What is this, New Year’s Eve?