HOW TO GET OUT OF ALMOST ANYTHING

CLAUSTROPHOBIA

Is there anything more useful? We’re not sure. This will get you out of camping, caravanning, the Underground, sharing a bed, sitting in the middle of a banquette (*starts sweating*), changing rooms, leggings, long queues, complicated underwear. ‘I’m claustrophobic.’ That’s all.

ALLERGIES

Gosh, you look a little stressed/teary/mental, observes someone. ‘It’s just my allergies.’ Not: ‘I am having a mini breakdown, can’t sleep, hate all my clothes, mislaid my phone for at least a second and have been crying on and off for weeks.’ See? ‘Allergies’ is better.

NOVEL

I have to work on my novel. I’ve done 35,000 words/almost finished the third draft/am deep, deep into the story arc/feel I need to sit and really inhabit the characters. After this, no one will want to see you anyway.

IBS

Sorry I can’t eat your terrible dinner, have those carbs, go to that restaurant, eat out, go out, see anyone ever again. It’s my IBS.

THE DOG

I can’t leave the dog/bring the dog/sorry, the dog. The dog, the dog. And if I do come, all I will talk about is the dog. The dog, the dog. So sorry. The dog. (As a dog bore, no one will want to see you – but that’s OK, because then it can be just you and the dog.)

MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE

It is*. (*It isn’t. Until 3 December but no one need know.) So I can’t make any big decisions, otherwise the universe will slam me down. Also, brace yourself for 3 December. Whether or not you believe in horoscopes, Mercury is a bastard.

HORMONES

Pre-hormonal, during-hormonal, posthormonal, peri-menopausal, actually menopausal, full-moon hormonal, totally out of your sodding mind hormonal. Flash your period tracker app at someone saying, ‘See, see, see?’ No one ‘really’ understands what they are looking at, so watch as your evening /lunch/workout vanishes into blissfully thin air. Your time is now your own. Enjoy the sofa. You are welcome.