The Midults’ guide to…

The most wonderful time of the year

DING, DONG! So your normal, everyday anxiety has morphed into your fancy, ornamental, sparkly Christmas anxiety. You are almost shimmering with stress. And also indifference, which is weird. And also compassion, when the rage recedes. It is a Christmas compendium of feelings. A greatest hits of stress. And it goes a little like this:

1. You spend as much money on presents that you leave in shops as you do on ones you actually give. And let’s not even talk about those incredibly stressful missed-delivery slips. Like you’ll ever make it to the Post Office.

2. It’s been a heavy month. You have a sore toe. Gout?

3. You rebel against contemporary culture and put an out-of-office on your email because LEAVE ME ALONE. I am UNAVAILABLE.

4. You think about spritzing your wreath. Think, not do, of course.

5. You’ve given up hiding the presents. If they find them they are just ruining their own surprise. Let them learn about consequences.

6. You wonder if you will have any sex over the Christmas period. Ho ho ho. That’s crazy talk.

7. You fantasise about just letting the house run out of loo roll on Christmas Day and seeing what happens. You will have a secret stash. 8. You are considering smoking weed again. Medicinal purposes (sore toe), naturally. Does anyone know a dealer? Maybe you can grow it yourself ? Do you have to do EVERYTHING yourself ?

9. You are considering ‘coming down with’ something on Christmas morning. Anything for a duvet day.

10. You are constantly texting fivers to every charity campaign that you come across.

11. You realise that if you slightly undercook the turkey it will make everyone sick but they will survive. It might, however, kill your mother-inlaw. Hmmmm.

12. You don’t want any presents: the effort of pretending to like them, the space they will take up, the dust they will gather. Unless you get serious jewellery. Which isn’t going to happen.

13. Your most meaningful relationship right now is with Amazon Prime. Even though you know about the working conditions (remember the tents?). You haven’t boycotted Prime, you’ve just added it to the endless list of things to feel guilty about.

14. Forget wrapping. It’s all about gift bags and tissue paper. Bish, bash, bosh. Or wrapping with tinfoil – so shiny and naive. And no tape needed.

15. You fantasise about pipes bursting while you are away over Christmas so you can redecorate on the insurance. You have started a Pinterest board.

16. Would anyone really mind if you just ordered a pizza?

17. You’ve had to buy a Dustbuster because the tree is shedding. It looks disappointed. Like someone else.

18. Everyone has agreed on a £15 present limit. You’ve spent double that and you’re deranged with resentment. Take. Take. Take.

19. Every schlocky, contrived, manipulative Christmas advert makes you cry.

20. Your bunker mentality has gone into overdrive. You will not live long enough to use all these light bulbs.

21. You’re scared of the Christmas toffee. Teeth, you see.

22. Should you attempt a turducken? Just for laughs…

23. If only your knickers were as posh as your crackers. Undercrackers.

24. Tablescapes! Oooh, how to dress your table?! Only joking. You don’t even want to dress yourself.

25. You are hoping this year you will master the caffeine-into-alcohol segue and end up both awake and cheerful. At the same time. themidult.com

It’s been a heavy month. You have a sore toe. Gout?