Just Williams

Simon plays Santa at the village fayre

I HADN’T REALLY seen myself in the role of Father Christmas – I’m surely too young and svelte – but Jodi at the Nettlebed Sports Association has offered me unlimited drizzle cake to play the part at the Christmas Fayre in the village club (which badly needs a new roof ), so it’s an offer I can’t refuse.

I arrive early with two old cushions to fatten myself up. In my curly white nylon wig, I look like a Neanderthal Shirley Temple. As I put on my costume, there is the comforting crackle of static. I feel pretty combustible. Jodi helps me with the elastic band that keeps the beard in place, and hands me the glassless glasses. She leads me to my chair in the dimly lit grotto. Beyond the curtain I can hear the chirruping of greedy children queuing up; among them are my three granddaughters, who have already told me they’re going to see Father Christmas, ‘Not the real one, Grampi, just someone pretending.’ I told them not to expect too much, he’s probably doing his best.

All the children have runny noses, so my nostrils have a quick squirt of First Defence. My first visitor comes in with his mother. I ask his name in my best Santa voice, which comes out like Harold Macmillan. He doesn’t like the toys on offer, so I do my jovial laugh and tell him I’ll have a word with my reindeer.

In my curly white nylon Father Christmas wig, I look like a Neanderthal Shirley Temple

‘They don’t speak,’ he tells me bluntly, ‘and your glasses haven’t got any glass in them.’ He leaves with a toy that I reckon has a life expectancy of three minutes.

Next is three-year-old Cordelia, who is scared stiff by the sight of me (rightly so). Her mother wants a photo with her on my lap; I haven’t been CRB checked, so I suggest we do a high five instead. The poor girl is still sobbing and my nylon moustache gets caught in my teeth as I try to smile. Click. That’ll be one for the family album.

Between visits, I grab a bit of drizzle cake and rub my hands with hand gel. My granddaughters come in all together and are the only children decent enough to offer even a semblance of credulity. Their mother has rehearsed them well. As she leaves, the youngest one kisses me and whispers that she doesn’t mind me not being real.

I ask a little boy if he’s been good and he says, ‘Not this week.’ His mother hangs back – she has seen through my disguise and wants to know what’s going to happen to me in The Archers (me too). ‘That Lilian’s been stringing you along,’ she whispers, ‘you should never have left Miranda.’ And she presses herself up against my two old cushions for a selfie. Simon Williams is an ambassador for the Actors’ Children’s Trust Who has transformed for a role? A: Jennifer Lawrence. B: Jodie Foster. C: Meryl Streep. D: Cate Blanchett

Answers below

C

A

A