No Christmas, by Alexander Mccall Smith

When festivities are banned at work, ‘secret Santa’ takes on a new meaning

‘PROGRESSIVE, OR NON-PROGRESSIVE?’

Andrea stared at her new colleague.

‘I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand.’

The man standing in front of her smiled patiently. ‘No, don’t apologise. A lot of people don’t know about it when they first join us.’ He paused. ‘You see, my job is compliance.’

Andrea nodded. She understood compliance, but what exactly did he mean by progressive?

‘So,’ he said, ‘which are you?’

She shrugged. ‘Well, it all depends on what you’re talking about. For most things, I suppose, I think of myself as being somewhere in the middle. I approve of some change, but not all. I consider myself reasonable…’

He did not let her finish. ‘Reasonable? Don’t we all think that of ourselves?’

She shrugged again. ‘Perhaps you could explain?’ He gestured to an empty chair by her desk. ‘Mind if I sit down?’

‘Not at all.’

He leaned forward as he began his explanation. ‘My name is Edward, by the way. We used to wear name badges but we abandoned the practice. I’ll tell you about it later.’ ‘Edward,’ she said. ‘I’m Andrea.’

‘Oh, I know that,’ he said. ‘But look, I don’t want to waste too much of your time. You see, we have a very forward-looking chair. It’s his ambition that this company should be as progressive as possible. He wants us to be a model of corporate good behaviour.’

Andrea nodded. ‘That sounds good. No cutting corners. I approve.’

Edward looked pleased. ‘Good. But it’s not just the usual things. It’s the whole attitude issue. We want to be really progressive. We want to make sure that we win all the awards for making this company a good citizen – in the progressive sense, of course.’

Andrea thought for a moment. ‘That’s good,’ she said. ‘No reasonable person opposes things like equality, tolerance, and so on.’

‘Of course not,’ said Edward. ‘Those are a given.’ Something in his eyes now changed; a glint appeared, as it sometimes does in the expression of a convert, a proselyte. ‘Take the name badge issue. We abolished those because they engendered the wearer.’ Andrea stared at him. She said nothing.

‘Many people wouldn’t think of this,’ Edward continued, ‘ but a name tells us what gender you are – not always, but most of the time it does. So if I’m wearing a badge that says TOM, then everybody’s going to know that I’m a male.’

Andrea could not help it; her jaw dropped slightly. ‘But surely they could tell just by… just by looking at you?’

Edward seemed to have expected this. ‘Ah,’ he said, ‘that’s what you would think. But they shouldn’t be judging people in that way, should they?’

He looked at Andrea, as if challenging her to disagree. Then, as if he considered the point disposed of, he moved on. ‘One thing I should mention, by the way, since it is that time of year – Christmas.’

It was indeed December, and Andrea had been thinking for the last few weeks about Christmas presents. She had an aunt – a very non-progressive aunt, she thought – who was a difficult person to buy a present for, and she had been racking her brains to come up with something.

‘We’re under instructions not to mention Christmas in the office,’ Edward announced. ‘You’ll be aware that there are many who do not approve of Christmas for one reason or another. Out of sensitivity to their views, any mention of it is completely forbidden.’

Andrea looked down at her hands. She had been with the company for two days, and she had thought that she would enjoy it. But now she was not quite so sure. The salary was good, and it had been a promotion, but perhaps it had been a mistake to sign up with Scrooges International.

‘So, no Christmas party?’ she asked mildly.

Edward shook his head. ‘There was one last year,’ he said, ‘but not this year. Definitely not.’

Andrea thought that she detected a note of regret in his tone, a certain wistfulness. But then he stood up, resumed his businesslike manner, and asked her whether she had found his briefing helpful.

‘Very enlightening,’ she replied.

‘Good,’ he said, and then added, ‘I’m going to put you down as TBC.’