WHAT HAPPENED NEXT THE BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS

January 2018

In a desperate attempt to seem like a normal person, Theresa May appears on Saturday Kitchen and makes the offhand comment that certain people left in the dying embers of her cabinet, ‘should make a New Year’s resolution to shed a few pounds!’ The remark is interpreted by most people as a sly dig at Boris Johnson, but David Davis misunderstands it and initiates a fresh set of Brexit talks that add a further £21 million to Britain’s divorce bill. ‘What?’ he says, stepping back off the Eurostar, ‘I thought that’s what she said?’

September 2018

Despite Davis managing to delay his own sacking by saying he was busy putting together an ‘impact assessment’ about his dismissal, he is fired, forcing the Prime Minister to trial a series of replacement EU negotiators. With nobody in the Government free enough from scandal to ensure their presence for another year, she is forced to look outside politics. Prince Andrew, James Corden and Joanna Lumley all turn down the job. Eventually, a solution is reached when Lord Sugar agrees that leading the Brexit talks can be the prize for the 14th series of The Apprentice.

March 2019

After conceding more than six times the original divorce figure, agreeing that the production of Tunnock’s Tea Cakes should move to Liechtenstein, and accidentally giving away Norfolk, Britain’s new negotiator thrashes out a deal in time for the country’s scheduled departure from the EU on 29 March 2019. That night, a special Jools Holland’s Hootenanny leads the countdown to 11pm, at which point Nigel Farage lets out an ecstatic moan and collapses into a pile of spiders live on television. In the morning, as the nation wakes up to its uncertain future, Jeremy Corbyn finally states his position on Brexit. — Guy Kelly