Beauty bible

Celia Walden on a game-changing facial

I HAVE A FRIEND who spends a stupid amount of money on products and procedures that have no effect whatsoever. Hope is an expensive business. But it’s the world of ‘downtime’ she’s permanently stuck in that baffles me. ‘Just had a vicious peel/series of injectables/ micro-needling session and won’t be able to make that dinner,’ she’ll text from her dungeon. ‘Give me a week/ month/century and I’ll be looking fab!’

Anyone who has found themselves condemned to ‘downtime’ – however briefly – will know that it’s not a fun place to be. It’s a lonely, closed-curtain world, usually just you and your belligerent mirror reflection, with the occasional horrified husband or DHL man thrown in (‘What in God’s name has happened to your face/body/hair?’). And yet the cosmetic spin doctors have clubbed together to make us believe that looking worse before we look better is the natural order of things, right? Wrong. Better should only ever be a pit stop, en route to absolutely marvellous.

This I have explained to Dr Rita Rakus, the award-winning cosmetic high priestess to the stars, who has advised me to try her ULTRACEL facial – a miracle non-surgical ultrasound-based skintightening procedure every woman I know swears by. Extended on a bed in her opulent Knightsbridge clinic, however, I’m still a little apprehensive. ‘You’re sure it won’t hurt?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And I won’t be red or swollen?’ ‘No.’ ‘There’s definitely zero downtime?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Then how can it possibly work?’

It’s an irksomely familiar line of questioning, and rather than indulge me any further, the good doctor administers a gel to my face, produces an ultrasound wand that looks and feels a lot like the one used on my stomach when I was pregnant, and moves it around my face and neck for a while. ‘You’ll see the results immediately,’ I’m assured. ‘Although the best results will be evident in three months’ time.’

Forty-five minutes later, I’ve worked

myself up into a ‘no pain no gain’ state. That was actively pleasant! And therefore clearly a total waste of time. At some point during this internal rant, I’ve been handed a mirror. Some woman with sleek A-list skin and the jaw definition of Rob Lowe is staring back at me. And two

months on, it’s looking better still. There is only one way in which the ULTRACEL facial – undoubtedly the single most efficient jowl treatment I have ever tried – could be more so, and that’s if Dr Rakus came and did it at my desk, while I write.