WHAT HAPPENED NEXT THE COMMONWEALTH

April 2018

Despite February’s top-secret-yetsomehow-front-page conference, no decision has been reached about who should take over as head of the Commonwealth. Without a protocol to follow, the panel decides to cancel the Commonwealth Games and settle the matter by having each member state enter their candidate in a special decathlon. Prince Charles finds himself up against an eclectic field: Australia puts forward Kylie Minogue, Zimbabwe enters Grace Mugabe, Pakistan plumps for Malala Yousafzai, New Zealand forces Dame Kiri Te Kanawa out of retirement, and Malaysia pushes forth a startled Jimmy Choo. Justin Trudeau ends up winning, while Charles – competing with one hand in the jacket pocket of his Stella Mccartney suit at all times – finishes just behind Minogue.

August 2021

A Trudeau-led Commonwealth turns out to be just as irritating as imagined. ‘Folks, for my first move, I think it’d be really neat if we change a few of your country names to be a little more, you know, inclusive,’ he suggests. He proposes the United Kingdom becomes the United Kingorqueendom, Guyana becomes Peopleana, and Papua New Guinea alternates with Mamua New Guinea every other year.

October 2023

When Trudeau is slung out after suggesting that the prime ministers start a weekly shirtless charity car wash, Sir Nick Clegg is appointed as a mature and definitely available leader. He ushers in an era of gradual change, expelling and introducing countries and tweaking the rules every few months. Eventually the Commonwealth becomes a political and economic union of 28 member states located primarily in Europe, with a single market and free movement of people, goods, services and capital. It is clear what he’s up to, yet 51.9 per cent of the British population pretends not to notice. — Guy Kelly