WHAT HAPPENED NEXT THE ROYAL WEDDING DRESS

April 2018

With one month to go, fashion insiders still have no idea who will design Meghan Markle’s wedding dress, despite paparazzi shots of her weekly ‘big shop’ leading to a flurry of bets on George at Asda. Unexpectedly, Kensington Palace announces the bride is, in fact, still open to accepting submissions from absolutely anybody up until May Day. All major fashion houses get to work, as do schoolchildren, publicityhungry brands (clothing or otherwise), and even the Queen – who was inspired to begin sewing again after London Fashion Week.

May 2018

On the big day, Markle steps down from her carriage in an absurd outfit composed of elements from every single design entered. Her bodice is Mcqueen, her skirt Erdem, her gloves Ralph & Russo, her shoes Doc Martens, her tights Tesco, her fleece Millets, her train Southern Rail, her crown Bernard Matthews, her headscarf Elizabeth Royal (her debut Sandringham autumn/ winter 2018 collection), and her veil a patchwork of children’s drawings. Outside, fashion experts are for once speechless. ‘It’s… well… it’s… a coalition of couture!’ Gok Wan screams on Channel 5, visibly shaking. ‘She’s the people’s princess!’ At this, he is headbutted by a tearful Paul Burrell.

September 2018

Given the look was a collective effort, Markle feels it is only right that everybody get a chance to wear it at least once. After Kate Moss models the outfit at London Fashion Week – this time staged on the Thames in an operation that requires the river be dried out for a fortnight – it is left on a hanger on Trafalgar Square’s Fourth Plinth, as part of a scheme whereby every UK resident has half an hour to try it on. Due to finish in just over three millennia, the process is stalled when one Ms Havisham of Kent refuses to take it off. — Guy Kelly