The Midults’ guide to…

Wardrobe staples

THERE IS MUCH TALK of the capsule wardrobe. There has been for 20 years. You can’t move for capsule suggestions and capsule collections and capsule advice. Listen very carefully, we will say (howl) this only once: we know what a capsule wardrobe is, we know about the parts and the sum of the parts. We get it.

Here’s another one: basics. Get the basics right, they say, and the rest will follow. Manage our basics and we can’t go wrong. Basics, apparently, are the foundation of a fully functional wardrobe. Fashion grammar. Sure, that makes sense.

But we have no capsule wardrobe. And we hate our basics. Will someone just give us the key to the capsule wardrobe full of ‘effortless’ basics? At the moment we are all leopard print and florals and Stan Smiths. Fun, if a little pulled-apart. Not exactly dignified, pared-down, elegant, timeless magic. We beg you to let us know where we might get our fingerless-gloved hands on:

The perfect white shirt

It doesn’t gape across the boobs because it is perfect. The cuffs hit our wrists at the most flattering point and the shoulders are so well cut they give the illusion of beautiful posture. The darts are hidden. The fabric is crisp without looking corporate. The collar sits perfectly flat on the back of the neck and never goes all pointy like a Dorito. It never gives us sweat patches, it repels stains and it requires nothing more than a kiss from the iron. The length means that it tucks in without creating bulk. It makes us look neither schoolgirl-ish nor matronly. Or it would. If it existed.

The devastatingly sexy, totally simple, incredibly comfortable party dress

We just sling it on when we are at a loss. We pack it whenever we have to go somewhere there might be the threat of a ‘thing’. No one ever asks us where it’s from because we wear it, it doesn’t wear us. We can zip it up unassisted and it never goes baggy. It is not black. People are nicer to us when we wear this frock. There are never bra bulges; it never dates. We practise positive visualisation to try to manifest this dress in our lives. It must be out there.

The woolly hat that doesn’t make us look like the village idiot

It keeps our ears warm, but never gives us hat hair. In fact, it actively protects a blow-dry. It doesn’t make us look pinheaded or moon-faced. It has an inbuilt temperature regulator that ensures our heads never get sweaty and it has an improbable skin-tautening effect.

The perfect black trousers that go in the machine

Because we just want to wear them. Not dry-clean them and forget to pick them up and then have nothing to wear for that big meeting because we were counting on them. In fact, they just get better and better the more we wash them. Like Indian cotton. Except they are a brilliant wool crêpe. Have these been invented yet?

The comfortable high heels

Not just bearable but actively – almost orthopaedically – comfy, with real height and attitude and glamour. Leg-lengthening. Ankle slenderising. A power shoe that is secretly giving our foot a hug.

The polo neck that stays up

The polo bit doesn’t sag so we have to pull it up constantly. But neither does it have us in a permanent chokehold. It makes our necks look swan-like and keeps us warm but also, somehow, ventilated, and we can put it on without wiping off half our make-up.

The blazer

The one. Where are you? We just want to throw you on and then go out and slay. We have met your cousins, but they make us look like prison wardens. Have pity. themidult.com

The perfect white shirt never gives us sweat patches, repels stains and requires nothing more than a kiss from the iron