WHAT HAP­PENED NEXT THE AUS­TRALIAN CRICKET TEAM

The Daily Telegraph - Telegraph Magazine - - Just Williams -

April 2018

De­spite promising there’d be no more ball tam­per­ing, Aus­tralia are at it again, giv­ing Theresa May a chance to ex­pel a clutch of high-pro­file Aussies liv­ing in Bri­tain. Pas­sen­gers at Stansted are shocked to see Kylie Minogue car­ried kick­ing and scream­ing on to a Qan­tas jet, fol­lowed by Elle Macpher­son, Barry Humphries and Margot Rob­bie. ‘See­ing Kylie like that, it’s just wrong,’ a wit­ness tells ITV. ‘Couldn’t they send Dan­nii?’ Fac­ing a PR cri­sis, May re­calls the group and swaps them with Ru­pert Mur­doch, Ger­maine Greer, Rolf Har­ris and Ju­lian As­sange. Her ap­proval rat­ings hit an all-time high.

June 2018

Se­cretly thrilled to be in­volved in an in­ter­na­tional news story, PM Mal­colm Turn­bull de­cides it would be in Aus­tralia’s best in­ter­ests to em­brace cheat­ing across all sports, not just cricket. Ac­cord­ingly, the Soc­ceroos are dis­qual­i­fied from the World Cup in Rus­sia when six ra­bid din­goes from their start­ing XI punc­ture the match ball and at­tack the opposition. In For­mula 1, Aus­tralian driver Daniel Ric­cia­rdo is spot­ted at­tach­ing a tow rope be­tween his car and Lewis Hamil­ton’s. And in the Tour de France, all eight Aus­tralian riders fail the drugs test. No­body no­tices or cares about the lat­ter.

Fe­bru­ary 2020

Now undis­puted lead­ers at tam­per­ing with fair con­tests, Aus­tralian crick­eters are in de­mand from po­lit­i­cal cam­paigns all over the world. The team’s lead­er­ship group are re­vealed to have set up Wagga Wagga An­a­lyt­ica, a mar­ket-re­search com­pany that has in fact med­dled in ev­ery elec­tion for over a decade. ‘The cricket thing was fair dinkum, small fry,’ for­mer cap­tain Steve Smith is caught boast­ing to a prospec­tive client, Ja­cob Rees-mogg. ‘You know the NHS prom­ise on the side of that bus? Our boys. The stuff Robert Mueller reck­ons Putin did for Trump? Us again. Heck, re­mem­ber when Ed Miliband carved his man­i­festo on a stone slab? Shane Warne told him to do that.’ — Guy Kelly

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