WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Eager to move on from the anti-semitism allegations dogging Labour, Jeremy Corbyn announces a series of measures designed to stamp out racism in the party once and for all. ‘Shalom, or whatever, comrades. This time, I’m really getting tough on bigotry,’ he says via a video link from an empty barn 10 miles from any other human – the only way he could ensure nothing and nobody that could be construed as racist accidentally made it into shot. ‘Today I can exclusively reveal I will be creating a new role: the Shadow Minister for Making Sure We Aren’t Anti-semitic At All.’ For almost 45 minutes, the move is welcomed by everyone concerned, right up until Ken Livingstone is appointed to the role.
Almost two months on from the attack, Corbyn is still seething about being kept in the dark over the details of the Skripal poisoning, and begins desperately trying to show he knows secrets, too. ‘I was Whatsapping my friend, the chief science man at Porton Down, and, boy, did he tell me some interesting stuff…’ he bluffs at Prime Minister’s Questions. ‘No you weren’t,’ Theresa May replies, sighing, ‘how would you even get his number?’ Corbyn stutters. ‘I… um… asked Mark Zuckerberg?’ May immediately blushes, runs from the chamber and calls a Cobra meeting.
Sick of another calamitous year for their leader, Labour party supporters and rebel MPS challenge Corbyn to make it through one whole week without any kind of embarrassing scandal erupting
– if only to run a charity Christmas sweepstake on when he might break. Not to be outdone, the Conservatives challenge Boris Johnson to take him on. The contest raises over £1 million, but despite Corbyn inadvertently attending a KGB Carol Service, he is pipped by Johnson falling on all three Magi during a school nativity play, killing Melchior and seriously hurting Gaspar. — Guy Kelly