WHAT HAP­PENED NEXT

JEREMY COR­BYN

The Daily Telegraph - Telegraph Magazine - - Just Williams -

April 2018

Ea­ger to move on from the anti-semitism al­le­ga­tions dog­ging Labour, Jeremy Cor­byn an­nounces a se­ries of mea­sures de­signed to stamp out racism in the party once and for all. ‘Shalom, or what­ever, com­rades. This time, I’m re­ally get­ting tough on big­otry,’ he says via a video link from an empty barn 10 miles from any other hu­man – the only way he could en­sure noth­ing and no­body that could be con­strued as racist ac­ci­den­tally made it into shot. ‘To­day I can ex­clu­sively re­veal I will be cre­at­ing a new role: the Shadow Min­is­ter for Mak­ing Sure We Aren’t Anti-semitic At All.’ For al­most 45 min­utes, the move is wel­comed by ev­ery­one con­cerned, right up un­til Ken Liv­ing­stone is ap­pointed to the role.

May 2018

Al­most two months on from the at­tack, Cor­byn is still seething about be­ing kept in the dark over the de­tails of the Skri­pal poi­son­ing, and be­gins des­per­ately try­ing to show he knows se­crets, too. ‘I was What­sap­ping my friend, the chief sci­ence man at Por­ton Down, and, boy, did he tell me some in­ter­est­ing stuff…’ he bluffs at Prime Min­is­ter’s Ques­tions. ‘No you weren’t,’ Theresa May replies, sigh­ing, ‘how would you even get his num­ber?’ Cor­byn stut­ters. ‘I… um… asked Mark Zucker­berg?’ May im­me­di­ately blushes, runs from the cham­ber and calls a Co­bra meet­ing.

De­cem­ber 2019

Sick of an­other calami­tous year for their leader, Labour party sup­port­ers and rebel MPS chal­lenge Cor­byn to make it through one whole week with­out any kind of em­bar­rass­ing scan­dal erupt­ing

– if only to run a char­ity Christ­mas sweep­stake on when he might break. Not to be out­done, the Con­ser­va­tives chal­lenge Boris John­son to take him on. The con­test raises over £1 mil­lion, but de­spite Cor­byn in­ad­ver­tently at­tend­ing a KGB Carol Ser­vice, he is pipped by John­son fall­ing on all three Magi dur­ing a school na­tiv­ity play, killing Mel­chior and se­ri­ously hurt­ing Gas­par. — Guy Kelly

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