WHAT HAPPENED NEXT THE SPICE GIRLS

May 2018

Despite endless denials, the Spice Girls are booked to perform at the royal wedding. But there’s an issue when Victoria Beckham doesn’t turn up, Mel B gets the date wrong and security bars Geri Horner for wearing the same Union Jack mini-dress as Sarah Ferguson. ‘OK, we’ll need some audience help,’ Sporty says. ‘Is there anyone who can be Posh?’ Hundreds of hands shoot up, but she chooses the most eager: Jacob Rees-mogg. ‘Right, Ginger?’ Prince Harry volunteers next, in spite of James Hewitt urgently tapping at the window. ‘Great! Now we just need Mel B.’ Melvyn Bragg springs to his feet.

July 2018

After footage of the performance leaks, the public demands a tour from the new line-up. They are instantly sued by the band’s founding members, who insist they’ve retained the rights to all things Spice-related since 1994. The row is vicious, ending in Rees-mogg’s Sunday morning penny-farthing ride with his 19 Mogglets being ambushed by Horner hurling capsicum, turmeric and garam masala at him in protest. Eventually, Prince Harry calls a press conference to reveal key evidence. ‘I have an ancient document showing a distant relative had a Dutch East India Trading Company in 1602 called The Spice Girls,’ he says. ‘So my family were actually the originals.’

June 2019

The tour is a triumph, with Bragg’s rap during Wannabe an unforgettable memory for all those lucky enough to see it (and the highlight of the ensuing South Bank

Show special). As a direct result of the group’s success, a raft of other ‘90s bands attempt to refresh their line-ups with unlikely establishment figures. Ronan Keating kicks out the bookends in Boyzone and replaces them with Bamber Gascoigne and Princess Michael of Kent, and Oasis reform with Lord Heseltine on drums. Blur decide against changes, reasoning that David Cameron’s cheese-making friend Alex James is establishment enough. — Guy Kelly