WHAT HAPPENED NEXT STORMY DANIELS

May 2018 With the legal dispute between adult-film actress Stormy Daniels and babyish President Donald Trump still raging, the latter takes increasing measures to avoid having to confront the subject. When asked about it at a press conference, he covers Melania’s ears and whispers: ‘Stop it! I don’t let her watch television or go on the internet so she hasn’t heard! Let’s keep it that way!’ After banning the press from mentioning Daniels’ name, he orders the National Hurricane Center to analyse her movements. ‘What’s the problem?’ he says, when confronted by a confused meteorological lobby, ‘Barron told me you guys track stormys?’

July 2018 Undeterred by Trump’s gagging measures, Daniels uses her art to tell her story in greater detail.

Her next film, Let Me Show You What’s Just as Big as My Ratings For The Apprentice 2: Also, My Hair Is Real, is the second in a blow-by-blow trilogy covering precisely what happened on the fateful evening she allegedly joined Trump in his hotel room, with Daniels playing herself and Gérard Depardieu taking the romantic lead. The movie, comprising a monologue from Trump and only 24 seconds of sex at the very end, attains a 12A certificate and widespread release. November 2020 Buoyed by her success and Trump’s evident fury, Daniels decides it would annoy him if she ran for president, and really annoy him if she ran with former FBI chief James Comey. The pair’s announcement causes Trump to have a small aneurysm and a big tweetstorm, but they press on. On CNN they are asked by Anderson Cooper to outline their policies. ‘Oh, no policies,’ Comey says, ‘our platform is simple: if the American people fail to vote for us, Stormy will appear on television and describe, in excruciating detail, every last inch of Donald Trump’s body until you are unable to picture anything else ever again.’ Daniels nods. ‘Sorry, folks. James wasn’t the only one with contemporaneous memos.’