WHAT HAPPENED NEXT PRINCE LOUIS

May 2018

Just four weeks after his arrival at the Lindo Wing, Prince Louis is the predictable star of the royal wedding at Windsor Castle, which infuriates Meghan Markle, the Spice Girls and Paul Burrell – all of whom assumed the majority of the attention would be on them. On the day, social media is awash with remarks on the prince’s ‘curvaceous post-birth body and daring choice of a one-piece’, while some in the media salute his ‘apparent early bedtime and reluctance to dance, clearly out of respect for Diana’. In reality, Markle had banned him from the reception.

August 2018

Louis’ christening sees him join an elite, historic group of royal ‘spares’ removed enough from duty to go off the rails. The Royal Order of Growing Up Entertainingly (ROGUE) – alumni include Princess Margaret, Henry Fitzroy, and the Duke of York – permits a total of eight unsuitable public romances, five tabloid drug scandals, three accusations of casual racism and two arrests for corruption. In order to fulfil what’s expected of him, Louis is given three mentors: Princess Michael of Kent (discreet bitching), Prince Harry (dressing up), and Sarah Ferguson (reinvention).

September 2036

To mark his 18th year, a special BBC Two series, When Louis Met Louis, sees Louis Theroux join the prince in his officer-training year at Sandhurst. Unfortunately, the 66-year-old Theroux is accidentally killed when he stands in the firing range with an apple on his head, ‘as a bit of fun, you know’. Rather than axe the show, programme-makers follow Have I Got News For You’s model and have a different Louis join the prince each week. One Direction star Louis Tomlinson, Strictly’s Louise Redknapp and disgraced comedian Louis CK all appear. After two months, it is cancelled when Louis Walsh becomes the show’s second fatality. — Guy Kelly